A campain of stupid magic items

[Yodaman23]

I was inspired by 1001 Stupid Magical Item threads to a make a campain where every magic item was turned to stupid and funny items. There is a balence between useless and useful items. Could you help me convert exsisting magic items that are commonly bought at the start of a campain to stupid/funny items, They can be usefull or useless but they must be entertaining and slightly clever regarding the original, or you could just creat your own. Have fun, be funny, be strange.

[cupkeyk]

We once had an all male party full of testosterone and grunting. We were tasked to retrieve a brazier of fire elemental control to save a small township from an Elemental Swarm. When we found it, it was actually a brassiere of fire elemental control. One of us had to wear it and command the fire elementals in public, in front of the very towns people we were hoping of saving and whose admiration and worship we were vying for, if there was any hope of saving the day.

[Snadgeros]

Our dervish got himself a +1 (I think it's +1 anyway) magical talking scimitar. While the bonus is nice, the talking part is just hilarious. He never actually says anything of use, instead just screaming battlecries. Examples:

*Dervish retreats to heal*
Sword: What're you doing? Come on, man! Let's kick some ass!

*Dervish scores a crit*
Sword: OH YEAH!!!!!!

*Dervish unsheathes scimitar*
Sword: Wha-? What's going on? Where's the baddie? Lemme at 'em!

It works great for virtually any personality. Be creative.

[Doresain]

hat of disguise-->cat of disguise
ring of invisibility-->ring of (emotional)instability
circlet of persuasion-->chicklets of persuasion (like in the dennis the menace movie)

and the girdle of opposite gender is an item that should included in every campaign

[Eldritch_Ent]

Naww, Ring of Visibility is the best item. It automatically coats your body with a fine gold dust while wearing it, giving everyone +40 to spot you, as per the spell Glitterdust.

Surprisingly, a PC in a game I was involved with used them to make himself easy to find after being buried in a landslide. The party Ranger managed to spot him through three feet of semisolid rock...

[Chronos]

I imagine you've already seen the magic items to put back?

[streakster]

Wand of True Unlimited Power - This wand can increase its number of charges by two. Costs one charge to activiate. This wand can never perform any other magic, indirectly or directly.

Amulet of Spell Mimicry - mimics the effects of any any spell cast on its holder. Precisely mimics. Therefore, using it to mimic the spell the lich just cast to hit you for 2d12 damage - hits you for another 2d12 damage. The amulet only affects evocation spells.

Boot of Manipulation - For every two hours this boot is worn, it grants a free use of the mage hand spell. For every eight hours, a use of the telekinesis spell. This item, of course, has no effect if worn on the player's foot - that would be silly.

Gaian Gauntlets - User receives double his normal strength modifier when in contact with the ground. Gauntlets hold wearer one inch above ground.

King Rale's Road Hammer - When worn, grants unlimited use of the Mountain Hammer maneuver from Tome of Battle. User may not use any other maneuver. User must use at least one Mountain Hammer per round of combat, or be struck by Mountain Hammer. User may use standard actions only to use Mountain Hammer. Whenever the word "Gold" is said, the Hammer will strike the speaker with Mountain Hammer. User must sing the ancient Dwarven Battle Hymn, "I've Been Working on the Rale Road" whenever using the Mountain Hammer maneuver, or be struck with Mountain Hammer. (And yes, if they get hit for not singing the song, and don't sing the song while hitting themselves, they hit themselves again.) May not be set down once drawn.

[metalbear]

Instead of bag of holding, make it a bag of molding. Any organic items must make a DC check of 11 or be covered in a foul smelling mold.
Cloak of spider climb, becomes stoat of spider climb. A small weasel looking animal that grants the person who has it in a sack spider climb. If the stoat escapes the sack, the PCs have to catch the nibble little wall climber.
Monk's belt of chastity.

[Chronos]

Wand of True Unlimited Power - This wand can increase its number of charges by two. Costs one charge to activiate.

Believe it or not, this is actually overpowered. Magic items are allowed to be multi-purpose, which means that any character with the Craft Wand feat could turn this into (say) a Wand of True Unlimited Power and Fireball. Or whatever else your favorite spell is of fourth level or lower. Use a few dozen charges in a fight, then recharge it before the next encounter.

[Mad Wizard]

Believe it or not, this is actually overpowered. Magic items are allowed to be multi-purpose, which means that any character with the Craft Wand feat could turn this into (say) a Wand of True Unlimited Power and Fireball. Or whatever else your favorite spell is of fourth level or lower. Use a few dozen charges in a fight, then recharge it before the next encounter.

Not only that, but there are also feats that let you use charges from wands to do other things.

[Tallis]

Heward's Handy Haversack: when opened a hand reaches out and grabs anything in front of it, pulling it into the haversack.
Flaming sword: This sword is intelligent and blatantly gay. (As long as your players aren't too concerned with political correctness.)

[Blasterfire]

Believe it or not, this is actually overpowered. Magic items are allowed to be multi-purpose, which means that any character with the Craft Wand feat could turn this into (say) a Wand of True Unlimited Power and Fireball. Or whatever else your favorite spell is of fourth level or lower. Use a few dozen charges in a fight, then recharge it before the next encounter.

I imagine you could also 'a' for massive damage, which would be way cooler.

[Darkantra]

Flippers of Spider Climb
Only usable under water.

Flying Crumpet
Can only carry characters lathered in butter or jam.

Innumerable Rods
As soon as it is put in a container it multiplies at a rate of 2x#number or Rods per round until the container explodes. The Rods are immune to all damage.

Elixer of Truthiness
Whomever drinks the elixer must succeed on a DC 13 Will save or else be forced to speak nothing but what they believe in their gut for the next 10 minutes.

Pipes of the Sewers
Anytime a character attempts to play the pipes they blow not notes, but sewer water out from the ends.

Cloak of Elvenmind
Anyone who puts on the cloak must succeed on a DC 16 will save or believe themselves to be an elf, regardless of all evidence. They gain low-light vision but refuse to associate with any non-elves.

Circlet of Natural Amor
Any character wearing the circlet seems to attract the unwelcome attention of any animal in heat, in a 1 mile radius.

[Dervag]

King Rale's Road Hammer - When worn, grants unlimited use of the Mountain Hammer maneuver from Tome of Battle. User may not use any other maneuver. User must use at least one Mountain Hammer per round of combat, or be struck by Mountain Hammer. User may use standard actions only to use Mountain Hammer. Whenever the word "Gold" is said, the Hammer will strike the speaker with Mountain Hammer. User must sing the ancient Dwarven Battle Hymn, "I've Been Working on the Rale Road" whenever using the Mountain Hammer maneuver, or be struck with Mountain Hammer. (And yes, if they get hit for not singing the song, and don't sing the song while hitting themselves, they hit themselves again.) May not be set down once drawn.

You know, that item could actually be useful if you know how to avoid hitting yourself upside the head with it.

[streakster]

It has its uses, yes. I just thought the idea of a hammer that required you to sing was amusing.

[GryffonDurime]

I thought one of the defining differences between a wand and a staff was that a wand could hold only a single function? Besides which, this wand is not in fact a wand so much as a wondrous item--there is no spell for it to emulate, so it's really not a problem. Wondrous items handle charges seperately, or rather the rules are such that any DM has discretion in the matter of wondrous charges.

I may have to do my own version of this campaign, with my players sparring off against an off-kilter Artificer.

I would like to submit:

• Ring of Blinking - Wearer incurs a 20% miss chance on all attacks. Because he can't stop blinking.
• Ring of Spell Counters - A rather nice ring with a fine gem that displays the number of spells cast on this plane of existance in the last hour, day, or millenia depending on the setting.
• Deck of Mini Things - Randomly creates Tiny-sized wonders and adversaries.

[Rockphed]

You know, that item could actually be useful if you know how to avoid hitting yourself upside the head with it.

Most of these items are sounding like the specific cursed items in the DMG. I don't remember the exact words, but it did say that many cursed items are incredibly useful if you know what they are and how they work.

[streakster]

Aster's Ring - Made by a mad mage named Aster, this legendary ring contains part of the truename of Asmodeus. Aster used this syllable to forge a ring that would allow its wearer to summon and command the legend of hell....

Too bad Aster was mad...

"Fire rent the ground, and there he stood, a giant shadow in the smoke. Dressed in regal finery, his Rod at his side, he glared with resentment at the ring that commanded his obedience. As though each word was acid, he spat a question in some hellish tongue at the wizard, who was still tremblingly holding the ring aloft. Shaking, the wizard pointed - and Asmodeus unscrewed the jar's lid.

Yes, this ring allows its wearer to summon the King of Hell to open any container or door, provided that it is not locked, and the character can see the object to be opened. Asmodeus hates the ring, and though he is bound from destroying it, will send armies to try to slay its bearer. The method that Aster used to make this ring is the most sought after magical secret in all the world, though none have ever learned. Aster died of starvation, locked in a pantry.

[Mewtarthio]

The Eye of Vecna: This beautiful cat's eye marble was owned by Vecna as a child. Sadly, mean bullies took it away from him, setting him irrevocably on the path towards darkness. If the name of Vecna is spoken, even in casual conversation, within an earshot of the marble, the god himself will appear and demand the marble "for evil, badass, necromantic things... yeah, that's it..."

The Hand of Vecna: A straight flush that Vecna played against Kas in an epic poker game. Kas accused Vecna of cheating, and promptly betrayed him. None of Vecna's power actually rubbed off on the hand, but an object reading power will reveal its significance. Good luck getting anyone to believe you. Anyone who won't just confiscate and burn the cards or kill you as part of an elaborate sacrifice.

Sphere of Denial-ation: This is actually sort of a weird, irregular polyhedron shape. It will, however, adamantly claim to be spherical, despite all evidence to the contrary, because it considers weird, irregular polyhedrons to be vile and unnatural.
Campaign Hook: Your players meet the Sphere, and must teach it the values of tolerance and self-acceptance by taking it on a magical epic journey through time.

Immunoreactive Skin: Every living being on the planet is allergic to this stuff, and breaks out in awful rashes every time they attempt to use it. Worse, they must make a DC 30 Fortitude save or suffer eczema for 5d6 months thereafter. Illithids, not being from this planet, are immune to these effects, but they don't really care.

[Soups]

Last summer I was goofing around with maing artifacts from video games, and I hapened to think of this funny item while reading my message boards

Mithral Hat. This metal foil hat has the power to block all scrying and mindreading powers. even from Epic spells. The drawback is the wearer is under the effects of confusion and must make a DC20 will save every minute or the DM decides some random action.

[Nowhere Girl]

Sword of Light Healing: This black iron +2 longsword heals 1d8+5 on a successful hit.

Edit: Come to think of it, this could be moderately useful if you used it to attack your friends for nonlethal damage. Each strike would deal X amount of nonlethal damage, then immediately heal Y amount of that nonlethal damage as well as regular hit point damage, too!

[Ganurath]

All the weapons and armor with magic enhancements can talk, although they don't have any abilities. Their alignment and abilities are based on their special abilities, getting more arrogant and talkative the more powerful they are.

[Xuincherguixe]

Gaian Gauntlets - User receives double his normal strength modifier when in contact with the ground. Gauntlets hold wearer one inch above ground.

What happens if the player puts dirt in his boots?

Though my thought here is that if the player is creative enough to pull that off they should get something.

Then again, being an inch above the ground might be useful too.

[SoD]

The vague staff. It radiates magic. Its magical abilities are to appear magical.

The Coin of Occasional Truth. Ask a simple question with only two answers, designating one answer to one side of the coin. Then toss the coin. The coin will magically answer the question with a 50% chance of lying.

[Drascin]

hat of disguise-->cat of disguise

In that vein, I feel the need to mention that one of my player's hat of disguise is a hat with a dissecated monkey in "The Thinker" posture. He says that, since as long as it's activated noone it's going to see its true form, he should make it as ridiculous as possible. He went to the craziest artificer in Goodport for it, too .

[AslanCross]

Fruit of Confidence: This fruit is filled with the distilled essence of courage. When imbibed, it gives the subject unparalleled confidence. The subject gains a +10 divine bonus to Charisma checks. The subject can say nothing but the one thing that he or she is afraid to say. (Ex: "I bite my toenails.") This lasts for a day.

Salad Tongfa: As the Monk special weapon. Deals an extra 2d6 damage against plant creatures. Gives a +2 circumstance bonus to Profession (Cook) checks when preparing salad.

[Khanderas]

Ring of Gentle response
- A lysdexic necromancer once wanted to make a ring that slowed decay (his wife was not too fond of rotting corpses stinking up her house... long story) and the result was a ring that caused the wearer to reply to questions, comments and other conversation in a gentle way. Basically wearing this ring will disable you from suggesting the Guard captain to take a long walk on a short bridge. The wearer does NOT gain a diplomancy bonus, but it could help keep the party from having the foulmouthed barbarian insult important and powerful people (the barbarian problebly wont like it much though).

Sword of Pain
- A talking +1 longsword that is found in a remote location stuck somewhere. Unfortunatly it suffers from a bad back (somehow, or so it claims) from being still in an akward position for so long. In short, this sword is not very helpful unless he is regulary given a backrub (again, what back?). It moans contently and perhaps disturbingly during the massaging process.
It doesn't like to fight either, claiming it hurts.
... Wimp.

Firebowl is a pun that has to be mentioned.

[Niknokitueu]

Horn of Pain: Sounding the horn is a full action, and results in everyone within 60ft taking one hp damage. Sounding the horn on successive rounds increases the damage by one point (round 2 causes 2 HP to everyone within 60ft, etc).

Robe of Blending: If forced to wear this, nothing happens. If put it on voluntarily, make a DC20 save or die.

Chime of Sounding: When rung, this chime is softly audible to one mile radius. Everyone within range has a 10% chance of coming to investigate the source of the sound. Everyone has -5 to their reaction rolls...

Boots of Lively Kicking: These boots gice you a +4 to dexterity, but only when the character is disco dancing to the tune of 'Saturday Night Fever' (cannot be wearing armour). Player must actually sing along to the tune in order to gain the bonus. In falsetto.

Have Fun!
Niknokitueu

[Tyrmatt]

Dig out the dialogue of BG2's "Lilacor" 2-Handed Talking Sword. Class in a glass.

[F.L.]

Trident of Xorning

Summons 1d4 Xorns to you every hour. You don't control the xorns, obviously. Midway in power between the Trident of Warning and the Trident of Yearning.