D&D jokes

[Zenos]

As stated in the title, make jokes about D&D, pop culture references are allowed as long as the joke's got something to do with DnD.

First joke:
How do wizards fly?
They have so bad BaB they miss the ground when they jump.[/hitchhiker's]

[Corinthus]

ahem. "SNEAK ATTTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[JMobius]

I can already tell this thread is going to be very, very painful.

[KazilDarkeye]

How many warlocks does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they explode it with an eldritch blast.

How many inevitables does it take to change a light bulb?
About 15: 1 to change the bulb, 14 to file the paperwork that the bulb has been lit and what effect it has on the natural order of things.

[Newtkeeper]

Curiosity killed the cat. The cat killed the 1st level commoner.


How many halflings does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 'Bout as many as it takes to make a ladder.

How many drow does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None- they can see in the dark?

How many Transmutationists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one- as an unattended object, it gets no saving throw.

When is a psionic brain like a door? When it's ajar!

[FinalJustice]

How many fighters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but one can do the job if he optimizes (specializing in Spiked Chain or Leaping Charges).

How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb? One, because, y'know, Clerics are just better.

How many druids does it take to change a light bulb? None. The animal companion can do the job just fine.

[MorkaisChosen]

How many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's what those...

Oh, sorry, wrong topic.

How many Monks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change? CHANGE? How dare you?

[Ganurath]

What did the druid say to the warmage?
No, no, we pronounce it with an L. BLoom.

What did the cleric of Hextor say to the cleric of Heironeous?
Unholy Word.

Why are all minotaur Uberchargers female?
Male minotaurs can't produce that much cheese.

[Zenos]

I think we have plenty of lightbulb jokes now, if you want to do more, please go contact the drow/dark eldar at your nearest Torture.Inc.

[Roderick_BR]

Nah, we are missing the most basic and classic light bulb joke:

Q: How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, to cast cure light.

[Randel]

Q. Which demon do you summon to repair a lightbulb?
A. A Marilith, because many hands make light work.

A dwarven monk got drunk
and sat on an elephants trunk
the elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
and that was the end of the monk


Q. What do you call an adventuring party with five bards?
A. A troupe of clowns.

Q. What do you call a troupe of clowns?
A. A random encounter.

[MorkaisChosen]

I just fought a group of enemies- a Celestial Half-Fiend Mind Flayer, a Half-Silver Dragon Modron Bard, and a Hill Giant Fiendish Dire Wereboar.

Now that's what I call a random encounter.

[Edan]

A human and elf walk into a bar...the dwarf walks under it.

[Mewtarthio]

I've decided to broaden my horizons a bit. Observe, for instance, a tasty bit of Slaad humor:

Q: How many did the cleric get when he crossed a hecatonchires?
A: No: One to hold its pants up, and the other two are wet.

...Hm, I suppose Slaad humor may not fit in with human understandings of humor, but that's the point of this excersize. For another perspective, check out a popular Modron joke:

Q: What's the difference between Vecna and a lawyer?
A: One is an evil, undead god of subterfuge and secrecy, while the other is a humanoid professional specializing in knowledge of legal matters.

And, last but not least, my associate here has come back from parts unknown bringing us a lovely Aboleth riddle:

Q: If you jump into the Red Sea wearing green clothes, what do you become?
A: The water is so cool... so refreshing... so inviting... Jump into the pretty water... Jump in, and the master will let you stay forever... The master will make all your cares and worries go away so you can swim in the pretty waters forever and ever and serve the master's every whim and--

Aaaand that's enough cultural broadening for now.

[Chronos]

How many druids does it take to change a light bulb? None. The animal companion can do the job just fine.

What? Clearly, electrical lighting is an affront against the natural order! Have we not the Sun to see by in day, and the Moon at night? And when both are set, is that not the time for sleep? Keep this abomination away; the fact that it no longer works is clear proof for the inferiority of the works of Man.



OK, here's one: If you're in a room with an optimized monk, a phantasmal killer, and a thing with webbed feet, rabbit ears, and a bill, which one should you talk to?

The duckbunny. The other two are just figments of your imagination.

[Rachel Lorelei]

So, a dwarf walks past a bar...

(Ba-dum tish!)



P.S.: Rogues do it from behind.
Cleric do it on their knees.
Wizards do it with their staffs.
Monks do it without equipment.

[bugsysservant]

Q. How many kender does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. No one knows. As soon as the light burns out, they use the opportunity to steal the lightbulb, the burned out bulb, the socket, the clothes of the observer, and then leave.

God, I can't believe I just posted that. Pardon me while I go iron my hands while weeping for humanity as a whole.

[Lord Tataraus]

A dwarven monk got drunk
and sat on an elephants trunk
the elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
and that was the end of the monk

OK, here's one: If you're in a room with an optimized monk, a phantasmal killer, and a thing with webbed feet, rabbit ears, and a bill, which one should you talk to?

The duckbunny. The other two are just figments of your imagination.

Rogues do it from behind.
Cleric do it on their knees.
Wizards do it with their staffs.
Monks do it without equipment.

Wow, these just take the cake. I really LOLed at those.

Unfortunately, I'm not so great at constructing jokes...

[Rutee]

lulz

And now I'm chuckling XD

[Hadrian_Emrys]

What do you call a troupe of bards proficient in wearing full plate?
A heavy metal band.

Rapid Shot does not allow you to get drunk faster.

Proficiency with Exotic anything does not give you a bonus to your charisma.

[Serenity]

One day, Jozan asked Lidda to make a joke.

"'Pun what subject?" the halfing inquired.

"Upon the King," the cleric offered.

"But, Jozan," Lidda protested, "The King is no one's subject!"

Erythnul: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a celestial steed? I don't have a celestial steed in my stable.

[Zincorium]

So the bartender at the local tavern sees a scruffy and obviously depressed fellow drinking down ale at an unhealthy rate. Knowning that he's got a plot hook to give to an adventurer the next morning, the bartender decides to try and cheer the guy up.

"So what's the occasion, sir?"

"Drowning my sorrows, barkeep. Last week, I was out in the wilderness, and I and my companion... you know..."

"That's not so bad. Plenty of people fall in love with their cohorts."

"Yeah, but I'm a druid."

Edit: If this offends anyone, I'll remove it.

[Rachel Lorelei]

Druids do it doggy-style.
When sorcerers do it, it's a magical experience.
Nature clerics do it skyclad.
Barbarians are fatigued afterwards.
Bards do it like they're playing an instrument.
Paladins are shocked, SHOCKED I say, that you think they do it. Except the Sunites, they're having an orgy right now.
Rangers do it with Endurance.

[Azerian Kelimon]

AAAAAAAnd lemme guess...

Fighters specialize on it,
Swordsages can do it 6 different ways,
Warblades can do it continously, only taking 6 seconds to recover,
Crusaders do it as if under divine guidance,
Psions can do it without moving a finger,

And I've no idea in hell about how to make soulborns and incarnates fit, aside from

They do it in a way that gets as deep as your soul.

[Farmer42]

Favored souls do it with Soul Power.


Edit: Does that mean there's a ghostly bass line following them constantly?

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

Sorcerers do it spontaneously.
Warlocks can do it at will.
Crusaders do it whenever their deity grants it to them.

[Leewei]

Fighters have a thing for feats.
Mystic Theurges do it two ways at the same time.
Elemental Savants do it accompanied by Earth, Wind and Fire.

[Prometheus]

You know you've been playing too much D&D when...
Nevermind, all of us already know.

[Kurald Galain]

I'm sure people here are familiar with the classic Munchkin Files?

E.g. how do you react if you encounter a sleeping ancient dragon...

Real Men wake it up, and then attack it.
Real Roleplayers sneak away quietly.
Loonies tie its shoelaces together.
Munchkins decapitate it in one hit with their secret lotus style, make armor out of the hide, and then resurrect it as a familiar.

[Orzel]

A fighter, a wizard, a rogue, and a barbarian were standing in line. The line moves and the barbarian accidentally shoves the rogue forward. The wizard dies in a explosion of blood. The rogue says.
"Not my fault, he was flanked."

A ranger goes to discipline his dog after it goes on the carpet. He hits the dog and it falls unconscious from nonlethal damage. The ranger says "Sorry boy, Favored enemy (animal) doesn't cut off."

Why did the fighter always get bumped to first class on his flights?
Because he has Improved Trip.