How Does One Insult A Monster?

[Leliel]

Well...That.

My character, Math ab MacCool, is fluent in Primordial, and recently got into a fight with some gnolls.

Being the smartass that he is, I naturally wanted to insult them, given that Abyssal is basically Primodial with a side of Pure Evil (TM). Thus, this little gem:

"What with you being a bastard elemental's ill-thought attempt to invade a realm that frankly, is a heaven compared to the failed experiment that a divine moron created to blow off steam, I thought I would be able to outsmart you. I still think so."

That got me thinking: How would one insult the various monsterous races in DnD?

[Zocelot]

Yo' mama jokes are always good. Elan-esque puns are also funny.

Orcs know that they are stupid, the same way gnomes know they are not strong. Tell the orc that he is weak, or the gnome that he isn't sneaky. You'll hurt their egos more that way.

"It's funny because it's true" doesn't apply, unless the Orc actually thinks that he's a genius.

[Frosty]

Go tell a demon that his mother was a Pleasure Devil and his father was a Hound Archon, and that the demon itself has the half-moron template.

[streakster]

You exist to be slaughtered for the practice and pleasure of the fight. You are allowed possessions only so that others may have the joy of taking them away. Your are a line in someone else's story. Not one thing you do will ever matter - your whole life is merely a buildup until a wandering party of adventurers happens by to murder you.

For the experience of it all.

[Drascin]

To most savage humanoids, I usually use the ever-basic "Are those pointy ears I'm seeing? Because you sure fight like an elf" as mid-battle banter to rile them up. No one likes being compared to elves .

[Flickerdart]

Depending on how smart your foes are, anything from a complex and methodical attack against their family tree unto a thousand generations to "you fight like a Commoner".

[Tengu_temp]

Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.

[Magnor Criol]

Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.

This.

Imagine the orcs: They love to fight, right? They consider themselves beings of war (most of them do, rather). So what could be more insulting to an orc than having someone or something it designates an enemy just flat out ignore it? That's a statement of "You're no threat to me" with a sideline of "You're so not worth my time I'm not even going to bother telling you so".

[Morty]

You can also use French taunting from Holy Grail if you're out of ideas. Though it's more likely to annoy your DM.

[Edge]

Personally, I'd just use a Perform (witty insult) check.

The ignoring works too. Bound to really wind up egotistical monsters. I imagine it working a dream on an illithid.

[Saph]

My favourite one for demons/devils/other evil outsiders is "Your mother was a celestial." It's worked pretty well the times I've tried it.

- Saph

[chiasaur11]

And then there's "Wait. (Whisper to rest of party). I think we made a misstep. We were headed the the nine hells, but we seemed to make a wrong turn somewhere. We've heard you Celestials tend to be helpful. Where can we find some beings of pure evil?"

[Erk]

I've always liked the tried and true, "Huh. I thought ___ were supposed to be ____," followed up with any number of quips like "You must have flunked out of ____ school", or "No wonder they put you on front gate duty," or whatever.
Eg. "Huh, I thought gnolls were supposed to be crafty. You guys fight like orcs. Retarded orcs. Retarded, sleep deprived orcs. Seriously, don't you have some kind of clever sneaky plan?" or "Huh. I thought orcs were supposed to be warlike. When did they replace your axes with nerf weapons?"

[daggaz]

"I've fought mud-crabs that were tougher than you.."

[SoulCatcher78]

If there's a language barrier, certain non-verbal taunts usually work (see also:Braveheart).

[Cheesegear]

Point at a gnome. "You're a monster! RAWR!"

[monty]

Insulting the mother will usually work. Unless they don't have a mother.

[Zocelot]

PC:"Was your father an orc?"
Orc:"Of course, and he was a damn strong one too"
PC:"Oh, so it was your mother who was a Gelatinous Cube"

[Kurald Galain]

"It's funny because it's true" doesn't apply, unless the Orc actually thinks that he's a genius.

Hey orc! Yo mama was an orc!

[Flickerdart]

PC:"Was your father an orc?"
Orc:"Of course, and he was a damn strong one too"
PC:"Oh, so it was your mother who was a Gelatinous Cube"

Beautiful. You win cookies.

[monty]

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

During the second encounter with the same monsters:
'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!
How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!



Replace references as appropriate.

[Thoughtbot360]

"Huh. I thought orcs were supposed to be warlike. When did they replace your axes with nerf weapons?"

Oh noes! 4kids strikes again!

[Pie Guy]

"Your mother was a monk!"

[Flickerdart]

"Your mother was a monk!"

And YOUR mother was a Truenamer!

[Pie Guy]

And YOUR mother was a Truenamer!

"Your mother was a monk multiclassed to truenamer!"

[Sstoopidtallkid]

"Your mother was a monk multiclassed to truenamer!"

"You shouldn't talk, your mom had Samurai levels!"

[SoD]

For beholders: "Hang on...I thought proper beholders were meant to have scaley skin..." or something similar.

[Aquillion]

Just go around the need for an insult and cast Crushing Despair on them directly.

Once again, wizards win.

[Prometheus]

Lizardfolk: "Gee, I am sure glad I ran into you guys because there is this pair of boots I've just been dying to make..."

Goblin: "So I heard you goblinfolk are so lame and poor you ride on dogs...But, uh, they didn't seem too think you deserved a dog, did they?"

Ankheg (or something like it):
Hey, bug!
You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper?
You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me...
you slimy, gut-sucking, intestinal parasite!
Eat me!
Eat me!
What's up?
You just going to eat and run, huh?
What about dessert?
That's it?
Where you going? This party's just getting started.
Where're you going?Where you going?
Listen.
There's one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
Where're you going?
Why you runnin', huh?
I'm still standing.
Come on. Bring it. Bring it.
*stomps on cockroach*
I'm sorry. Was that your auntie?
*stomps on another, grinding it into the ground*
That must mean that's your uncle, huh?
*crunch goes another*
You know you all look alike.
*monster roars and turns around*
Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh?
What I can't understand is why you...
got to come down here bringing all this ruckus. Snatching up galaxies and everything.
My attitude is, don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
You need to ease up out my face before something bad happen to you.
Too late.

[chronoplasm]

Point at your crotch and grunt menacingly.
Then jump up and down and throw leaves everywhere while shrieking loudly.
Remember to pound your chest a bit, but don't over-do it.
Finish it off by flinging some feces or other bodily fluids and you're golden.