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Thread: How Does One Insult A Monster?
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2008-10-05, 02:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2007
- Location
- In a shadow of a shadow
- Gender
How Does One Insult A Monster?
Well...That.
My character, Math ab MacCool, is fluent in Primordial, and recently got into a fight with some gnolls.
Being the smartass that he is, I naturally wanted to insult them, given that Abyssal is basically Primodial with a side of Pure Evil (TM). Thus, this little gem:
"What with you being a bastard elemental's ill-thought attempt to invade a realm that frankly, is a heaven compared to the failed experiment that a divine moron created to blow off steam, I thought I would be able to outsmart you. I still think so."
That got me thinking: How would one insult the various monsterous races in DnD?My Homestuck role is Thane of Space of the Land of Insanity and Frogs.
The Malkavians would be proud.
***
Thanks to Mokipi for the Exalted avatar!
For avatars of your own, he's on White Wolf.
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2008-10-05, 02:11 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
- Location
- Toronto
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Yo' mama jokes are always good. Elan-esque puns are also funny.
Orcs know that they are stupid, the same way gnomes know they are not strong. Tell the orc that he is weak, or the gnome that he isn't sneaky. You'll hurt their egos more that way.
"It's funny because it's true" doesn't apply, unless the Orc actually thinks that he's a genius.Step 1: Get workers to make goods for you.
Step 2: Sell the goods for a higher amount than what you pay the workers.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
Thanks to Mortugg for my current avatar, and for this steampunk version:
Spoiler
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2008-10-05, 02:16 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Go tell a demon that his mother was a Pleasure Devil and his father was a Hound Archon, and that the demon itself has the half-moron template.
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2008-10-05, 02:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2007
- Location
- 500 miles that a way!
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
You exist to be slaughtered for the practice and pleasure of the fight. You are allowed possessions only so that others may have the joy of taking them away. Your are a line in someone else's story. Not one thing you do will ever matter - your whole life is merely a buildup until a wandering party of adventurers happens by to murder you.
For the experience of it all.The perfect fighter fix.
Hey, the magnificent Shades of gray made me the cool paladin! Give him a hand!
From time to time, I vanish from the boards. Like Frosty, though, I'll be back again some day!
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2008-10-05, 02:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
- Location
- Under Mt. Ebott
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
To most savage humanoids, I usually use the ever-basic "Are those pointy ears I'm seeing? Because you sure fight like an elf" as mid-battle banter to rile them up. No one likes being compared to elves .
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2008-10-05, 02:35 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- NYC
- Gender
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2008-10-05, 02:46 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Location
- Poland
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Getting into an argument with one of your allies right before the combat and completely ignoring the enemy is bound to work on anyone.
Siela Tempo by the talented Kasanip. Tengu by myself.
Spoiler
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2008-10-05, 02:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2007
- Location
- Ominous flowers!
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
This.
Imagine the orcs: They love to fight, right? They consider themselves beings of war (most of them do, rather). So what could be more insulting to an orc than having someone or something it designates an enemy just flat out ignore it? That's a statement of "You're no threat to me" with a sideline of "You're so not worth my time I'm not even going to bother telling you so".
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2008-10-05, 02:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
- Location
- Poland
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
You can also use French taunting from Holy Grail if you're out of ideas. Though it's more likely to annoy your DM.
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2008-10-05, 02:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Location
- The UK
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Personally, I'd just use a Perform (witty insult) check.
The ignoring works too. Bound to really wind up egotistical monsters. I imagine it working a dream on an illithid.Homebrew
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2008-10-05, 03:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2006
- Location
- London, England.
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
My favourite one for demons/devils/other evil outsiders is "Your mother was a celestial." It's worked pretty well the times I've tried it.
- SaphI'm the author of the Alex Verus series of urban fantasy novels. Fated is the first, and the final book in the series, Risen, is out as of December 2021. For updates, check my blog!
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2008-10-05, 03:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
And then there's "Wait. (Whisper to rest of party). I think we made a misstep. We were headed the the nine hells, but we seemed to make a wrong turn somewhere. We've heard you Celestials tend to be helpful. Where can we find some beings of pure evil?"
Remember how I was wishing for the peace of oblivion a minute ago?
Yeah. That hasn't exactly changed with more knowledge of the situation. -Security Chief Victor Jones, formerly of the UESC Marathon.
X-Com avatar by BRC. He's good folks.
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2008-10-05, 04:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
- Location
- The frozen wastes
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
I've always liked the tried and true, "Huh. I thought ___ were supposed to be ____," followed up with any number of quips like "You must have flunked out of ____ school", or "No wonder they put you on front gate duty," or whatever.
Eg. "Huh, I thought gnolls were supposed to be crafty. You guys fight like orcs. Retarded orcs. Retarded, sleep deprived orcs. Seriously, don't you have some kind of clever sneaky plan?" or "Huh. I thought orcs were supposed to be warlike. When did they replace your axes with nerf weapons?""River" cancels eat: Food is problematic.
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2008-10-05, 04:32 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
"I've fought mud-crabs that were tougher than you.."
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2008-10-05, 04:43 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- Indiana
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
If there's a language barrier, certain non-verbal taunts usually work (see also:Braveheart).
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2008-10-05, 04:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2008
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2008-10-05, 04:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2007
- Location
- Fresno (yes, THAT Fresno)
- Gender
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2008-10-05, 05:04 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
- Location
- Toronto
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
PC:"Was your father an orc?"
Orc:"Of course, and he was a damn strong one too"
PC:"Oh, so it was your mother who was a Gelatinous Cube"Step 1: Get workers to make goods for you.
Step 2: Sell the goods for a higher amount than what you pay the workers.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Profit!
Thanks to Mortugg for my current avatar, and for this steampunk version:
Spoiler
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2008-10-05, 05:11 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2007
Guide to the Magus, the Pathfinder Gish class.
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2008-10-05, 05:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- NYC
- Gender
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2008-10-05, 05:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2007
- Location
- Fresno (yes, THAT Fresno)
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
During the second encounter with the same monsters:
'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!
How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Yes, this time and try any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!
Replace references as appropriate.
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2008-10-05, 09:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
Thank you, Devil's Advocate for sending me this link so I can finally erase my old signature!
https://forums.giantitp.com/profile....=editsignature
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2008-10-05, 09:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2008
- Location
- center of earth
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
"Your mother was a monk!"
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2008-10-05, 09:28 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
- Location
- NYC
- Gender
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2008-10-05, 09:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2008
- Location
- center of earth
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2008-10-05, 09:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
- Location
- Texas...for now
- Gender
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
[/sarcasm]
FAQ is not RAW!Avatar by the incredible CrimsonAngel.
Saph:It's surprising how many problems can be solved by one druid spell combined with enough aggression.
I play primarily 3.5 D&D. Most of my advice will be based off of this. If my advice doesn't apply, specify a version in your post.
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2008-10-05, 09:33 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
For beholders: "Hang on...I thought proper beholders were meant to have scaley skin..." or something similar.
Last edited by SoD; 2008-10-05 at 09:33 PM.
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2008-10-05, 09:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
- Location
- Singapore
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Just go around the need for an insult and cast Crushing Despair on them directly.
Once again, wizards win.
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2008-10-05, 09:37 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2006
- Location
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Lizardfolk: "Gee, I am sure glad I ran into you guys because there is this pair of boots I've just been dying to make..."
Goblin: "So I heard you goblinfolk are so lame and poor you ride on dogs...But, uh, they didn't seem too think you deserved a dog, did they?"
Ankheg (or something like it):
Hey, bug!
You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper?
You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me...
you slimy, gut-sucking, intestinal parasite!
Eat me!
Eat me!
What's up?
You just going to eat and run, huh?
What about dessert?
That's it?
Where you going? This party's just getting started.
Where're you going?Where you going?
Listen.
There's one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
Where're you going?
Why you runnin', huh?
I'm still standing.
Come on. Bring it. Bring it.
*stomps on cockroach*
I'm sorry. Was that your auntie?
*stomps on another, grinding it into the ground*
That must mean that's your uncle, huh?
*crunch goes another*
You know you all look alike.
*monster roars and turns around*
Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh?
What I can't understand is why you...
got to come down here bringing all this ruckus. Snatching up galaxies and everything.
My attitude is, don't start nothing, won't be nothing.
You need to ease up out my face before something bad happen to you.
Too late.Last edited by Prometheus; 2008-10-05 at 09:39 PM.
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Also, its time to think about Yeth Hounds in a whole new way
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2008-10-05, 11:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
Re: How Does One Insult A Monster?
Point at your crotch and grunt menacingly.
Then jump up and down and throw leaves everywhere while shrieking loudly.
Remember to pound your chest a bit, but don't over-do it.
Finish it off by flinging some feces or other bodily fluids and you're golden.