The most stupid quotes from RPG books

[Kurald Galain]

Just like in newspapers, text in RPG rulebooks tends to be surrounded with quotes in a bigger and different font, to provide sound bites and general entertainment. Brief and to the point, like the flavor text on Magic cards, these quotes range from the cool to the bizarre... to the totally lame.

This thread is about the latter. From ancient Shadowrun, to the Clanbook Malkavian, to the new 4E rulebooks, some of the quotes and sound bites are just completely missing the point, and are either laughably bad or just plain stupid. Post your fave examples here, so that we may all have fun with them

(This is not a thread for praising, dissing, or otherwise comparing game systems, we have plenty of other threads for that. Just assume that all systems are cool and all of them nevertheless contain a lame quote or two).


Example: "He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either. Watch yourself — we both bite."

[The Rose Dragon]

"Scream. Scream like you made me scream."

This comes from a supposedly mute halfling. It's in Complete Scoundrel.

Just shows how little WotC pays attention to detail.

The first time I brought that up, someone said it'd be scary if a halfling came up to you with a piece of paper with those words written on it.

[Asbestos]

From the rogue section of the 4e PHB.
“You look surprised to see me. If you’d been paying
attention, you might still be alive.”

Also from the rogue section.
“See how the dagger dances along my fingertips, see it spin.
I have forgotten more ways to use this dagger than you can
ever imagine.”

[Singhilarity]

"Scream. Scream like you made me scream."

This comes from a supposedly mute halfling. It's in Complete Scoundrel.

Just shows how little WotC pays attention to detail.

The first time I brought that up, someone said it'd be scary if a halfling came up to you with a piece of paper with those words written on it.

If mute because they had their tongue cut out during torture, it might be possible...

but it's still pretty lacking.

[Asbestos]

If mute because they had their tongue cut out during torture, it might be possible...

but it's still pretty lacking.

Then it crosses the line from intimidating into humorous. Seriously, try to say that line without using your tongue.

[Worira]

Also from the rogue section.
“See how the dagger dances along my fingertips, see it spin.
I have forgotten more ways to use this dagger than you can
ever imagine.”

Not the dreaded Alzheimer's Rogue!

[Nerd-o-rama]

Also from the rogue section.
“See how the dagger dances along my fingertips, see it spin.
I have forgotten more ways to use this dagger than you can
ever imagine.”

Which 4e skill was Mix Metaphor rolled into again?

[Waspinator]

"According to the learned sage Fergulbarq, Kobolds are the greatest threat to humankind since the Black Plague. An innumerable horde of ravaging, fearsome beasts that are extremely tasty when flame-broiled and served with a secret sauce. Fergulbarq was of course an utter madman and an outrageous liar. *

Some other learned sages have claimed that Fergulbarq was actually a Kobold - and as such, a genius and visionary, since no other Kobold in history has actually managed to pronounce innumerable."

*(Except for the part about flame-broiling Kobolds - yum!)

-Kobolds Ate My Baby!

[Asbestos]

Yeah, those two rogue quotes are probably the most absurd quotes from the 4e PHB.

Though, as the OP points out with the example quote coming from the "Feral Spirit" paragon path and with this...
“Victory is easier to achieve when your reach is longer.”
...coming from a new paragon path for fighters, Martial Power (where both quotes are from) will provide us with perhaps dozens of stupid quotes.

[Sstoopidtallkid]

“Victory is easier to achieve when your reach is longer.”

...
That's a Fighter quote? If you cared about reach, you'd be a Ranger. If you actually cared, you'd be a caster. Let's rub in the fact that he's a sweaty grunt whose job is to get hurt daily but can't do anything himself yet again. Yes I realize fighters don't suck anymore. I'm free to insult the concept itself instead.

[Thurbane]

"Scream. Scream like you made me scream."

This comes from a supposedly mute halfling. It's in Complete Scoundrel.

Just shows how little WotC pays attention to detail.

The first time I brought that up, someone said it'd be scary if a halfling came up to you with a piece of paper with those words written on it.

On a tangent, I too have been very annoyed with WotC lack of attention to detail...especially in the art department. The number of times pics in modules and books contain a glaring contradiction is ridiculous - obviously, the text gets changed after the art is already commissioned, but it's just plain sloppy.

Example (and there are far worse than this, particularly in modules):

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This is Lady Sorra, the example NPC Knight from the PHB II. She's human - you know, one of those pointy eared humans.

[Asbestos]

...
That's a Fighter quote? If you cared about reach, you'd be a Ranger. If you actually cared, you'd be a caster. Let's rub in the fact that he's a sweaty grunt whose job is to get hurt daily but can't do anything himself yet again. Yes I realize fighters don't suck anymore. I'm free to insult the concept itself instead.

Its from the "Polearm Master" paragon path. Also, I find it awesome that when searching Google for "Martial Power Excerpt" the first two results are threads I started and numbers 3 and 4 are from WotC. Apparently GitP threads referring to WotC articles are more relevant than actual WotC articles.

Edit: Number 9 is ENworld, ha! GITP forever!

[bosssmiley]

Paraphrasing: "The warrior's might and the wizards spells, both pale against the Psion's focused stare." -- 3E XPH

ROFLing was had at the sheer purpleness of the prose.

[Irreverent Fool]

Its from the "Polearm Master" paragon path. Also, I find it awesome that when searching Google for "Martial Power Excerpt" the first two results are threads I started and numbers 3 and 4 are from WotC. Apparently GitP threads referring to WotC articles are more relevant than actual WotC articles.

Edit: Number 9 is ENworld, ha! GITP forever!

People searching for things relating to D&D on google are more likely to click a link to a forum where people know what the heck they're talking about than a link to the articles written by the the people who wrote the mess in the first place, giving GitP a generally higher relevance rating, I imagine.

obnoxious
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[hewhosaysfish]

-Kobolds Ate My Baby!

Should comedy games really count?

[KIDS]

Not the dreaded Alzheimer's Rogue!

WIN! Lol!

At the same time I love Completes and PHB2 for providing some good guidance for really new people and their quality design, but I have to admit that some of the flavor texts are really pathetic (as in an "overblown-romantic-comedy-pathetic") and you can only cringe at them.

Warmage or Marshal had something like that, a piece of advice that was made to sound gamebreaking: "Attack from both sides!"

Complete Mage had a ludicriously bad line about Abjuration Wizards that said:

"Always prepare spells like Freedom because it is good to have options."
...

[Kurald Galain]

Should comedy games really count?

Sure, as long as they have stupid quotes.

This is Lady Sorra, the example NPC Knight from the PHB II. She's human

She also has a quite stupid looking breastplate (at least it doesn't have nipples, unlike Batman's old armor...) Perhaps we need a stupid art thread, as well.


To further the thread, I recall two stupid quotes from second edition books.

The introduction 2E psionics handbook started by asking that "after arcane and divine magic, does the D&D game need a third type of magic?" It answers its own question with "no, it does not". Then why the acheron am I reading that book?

The complete bard's handbook for 2E contains a number of bard kits (kind of like alternative class features with a common theme). One of these is the riddler, whose stick is, you know, riddling. It starts with a bunch of flavor text in which the bard arrogantly asks that old puzzle, "from how many places in the world can you move one mile south, one mile east, then one mile north, and end up where you started?" then berates the reader for answering "the north pole" when, oh stupid reader, he asked "how many" and therefore the answer is "one".

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He's completely missing the point that this is also possible in an infinite number of points near the south pole. Kind of ruins the kit for anyone more intelligent than whoever wrote that book.

[Siegel]

The most hilarious RPG ever. DORK. It's a game where you play gamers. I will look some quotes up (and translate them to german) later. If you are from germany check out this game...

[Zocelot]

It's not a RPG book, but it's still from Wizards. In the miniatures game, Galeb Duhr are creatures that you can put in your army. One of their abilities is to roll up into a ball and smash into things. So what flavor text do they use for it? That's the way I roll.

The Grick, and possibly it's RPG counterpart has an ability called Tentacle Rake.

[BobVosh]

4ed eladrin, under reasons to play:

*as best remembered, as I'm not going to get the book from out of under my bed where it has sat since release*

"If you...
3. Want to teleport around the battlefield cloaked in the mysteries of the fey"

[shadow_archmagi]

4ed eladrin, under reasons to play:

*as best remembered, as I'm not going to get the book from out of under my bed where it has sat since release*

"If you...
3. Want to teleport around the battlefield cloaked in the mysteries of the fey"

That right there could kill gaming for all the people who make gaming worthwhile.

[InaVegt]

4ed eladrin, under reasons to play:

*as best remembered, as I'm not going to get the book from out of under my bed where it has sat since release*

"If you...
3. Want to teleport around the battlefield cloaked in the mysteries of the fey"

How about this gem for the dragonborn?

If you want...

1. to look like a dragon.

[Djinn_in_Tonic]

How about this gem for the dragonborn?

If you want...

1. to look like a dragon.

Yep. This is the winner.

[RTGoodman]

On a tangent, I too have been very annoyed with WotC lack of attention to detail...especially in the art department.

Their just bad about it in general. The Ruby Knight Vindicator from ToB, a whole PrC devoted to Wee Jas, has the Sample NPC being a follower of St. Cuthbert.


Also, how 'bout this one from the new Gladiator article from Dragon Magazine. (Yes, I paid for the subscription, and yes it has been TOTALLY worth it so far.)

"One hundred battles have I fought, and each time I have emerged victorious. The crowds shall drown you with their cries. Thirsty sands shall drink your blood. Make peace with your gods, for I intend to speed you to them."

A bit... melodramatic for a gladiator, don't ya think?

[Flickerdart]

A bit... melodramatic for a gladiator, don't ya think?

Well, gladiators were like wrestling, except better. It logically follows some of them had good acting skills.

[Kizara]

It's not a joke or anything, but I found the knight's suggested build that included Mounted Combat, a feat they got for free at second level, to be an exceptional level of stupid.

[Pronounceable]

If you want...

1. to look like a dragon.

Yes, this is the single most rant inducing sentence I've ever seen in any rpg related thing.

[Kurald Galain]

Yes, this is the single most rant inducing sentence I've ever seen in any rpg related thing.

Yep. And for added irony, based on the art design, the dragonborn actually doesn't look like a dragon all that much

[golentan]

From Demon Hunters' timeline:

~75 AD: The Archangel Michael, on a super-bender, relieves himself in Moses' beard. God grows concerned.

Or, in advice for players choosing traits for their characters, the Purple Ninja Say sidebar reading:

"If you want trait for your demon hunter that is not on list, consult with Game Master. Use patented Purple Ninja Methods of Persuasion. If that fail, use patented Purple Ninja Meat Tenderizer."

I laugh at any system that goes on record as encouraging players to assault the GM. Wait, I am the GM. AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

[BobVosh]

Well, gladiators were like wrestling, except better. It logically follows some of them had good acting skills.

Watch the movie "Gladiator" for this.

Listen to me. Learn from me. I was not the best because I killed quickly. I was the best because the crowd loved me. Win the crowd and you will win your freedom.

The gladiator from Dark Sun had some crowd based mechanics. (3.x fan adaption)

I maintain the fey one is worse, simply because of how completly horrible it is. However the dragon one is worse in concept that people want to look like a dragon.