Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then

[illyahr]

*Not allowed to use intellect devourers ever again.
**Especially not the 5th edition ones.
***When the barbarian player's first reaction to the intellect devourer is to back as far away from the table as he can, squirming in disgust and crying out, "No" as fast as he can, I am not allowed to have just the biggest of grins on my face.
****When his next reaction is, "KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!" I am not allowed to start laughing.
*****I am not allowed to use three intellect devourers.
******One of them is not allowed to get away off screen, scrabble along the ceiling and give the barbarian a heart attack.
*******That intellect devourer is not allowed to come back later, wait just outside of the party paladin's room, drop down on the NPC paladin when he comes to discuss things with his PC friend, and then have the predictable results occur.
********Not even if the PC paladin is able to win.
*********When my player's faces look as follows, I have done my job: ;-; and O_O

*I give the best birthday presents.

You are a scary, scary person. I approve.

[Gnomes2169]

You are a scary, scary person. I approve.

Why thank you, I do my best.

[Anonymouswizard]

From tonight's game:

* If we are working for the church, we are expected to be moral.
** Especially when your character's goal is to take holy orders.
*** I may not point out that what I'm doing is not technically violating scripture.
**** I deserved to eat that demonic profiterole.
***** Taunting the police for being slower than you was funny though.

* When the gluttony demon enters a blender, I may no longer yell "In the name of the Trinity, I compel you to leave this innocent blender!"
** When God intervenes and throws the demon into hell in a shaft of brilliant sunlight indoors at night, in the middle of our exorcism, we cannot declare that it is now "Saint Brenda the Blender".
*** We are expected to leave the blender in the hotel, not steal it and take it with us.
**** The bishop will question as to why we are now carrying a blender with us.
***** We will get odd looks when we ask if we can get Saint Brenda blessed.

* The nun-in-training's relic does not contain the lips of Samuel L Jackson.
** It does not yell "the power of Christ compels you mother******" when used upon a demon.

In short, we now have a blessed blender, and the nun-in-training possesses a 1/day smite demon item. However, my character is now further from his goal of joining the priesthood.

[Rater202]

From tonight's game:

* If we are working for the church, we are expected to be moral.
** Especially when your character's goal is to take holy orders.
*** I may not point out that what I'm doing is not technically violating scripture.
**** I deserved to eat that demonic profiterole.
***** Taunting the police for being slower than you was funny though.

* When the gluttony demon enters a blender, I may no longer yell "In the name of the Trinity, I compel you to leave this innocent blender!"
** When God intervenes and throws the demon into hell in a shaft of brilliant sunlight indoors at night, in the middle of our exorcism, we cannot declare that it is now "Saint Brenda the Blender".
*** We are expected to leave the blender in the hotel, not steal it and take it with us.
**** The bishop will question as to why we are now carrying a blender with us.
***** We will get odd looks when we ask if we can get Saint Brenda blessed.

* The nun-in-training's relic does not contain the lips of Samuel L Jackson.
** It does not yell "the power of Christ compels you mother******" when used upon a demon.

In short, we now have a blessed blender, and the nun-in-training possesses a 1/day smite demon item. However, my character is now further from his goal of joining the priesthood.

That's the funniest thing I've read all day.

*If we're playing a mostly freeform Megacrossover Game where each person has an Omnitrix or one of it's variants and can take any sentient alien creature in addition to the ones from the Ben 10 franchise, I may not have Saiyan or Kryptonian Forms as part of my original 10.
**If I take the species that Captain Gantu from Lilo and Stitch is based on, I may not call that form "Lardass"
***Jumba's experiments are off limits for Alien Forms
****I may rename forms that Ben himself has.
*****"Lycanthrope" is an acceptable rename for Blitzwolfer. "Loud Puppy" is not.
******My Alien Forms must be more than just Beating Sticks.
*******If I take The Worst as an alien form, I can not rename him "Lardass"
********If I take "Equestrian Ponies" as an "Alien" each tribe counts as a diferant form.
*********No Alicorns.
**********As Digimon do not have DNA, nor have they methods of passing on geneitic information, I may not take one as an Alien Form. I'm not even sure how That'd work.
***********Okay, point made with Upgrade.
************If one of my forms is Raremon, I may not name that form "Lardass"
*************Nobody is allowed to have Asari-Period.
**************Okay, if Dimension hoping is happening, fantasy magic universes are okay sources for "aliens".
***************If one of my forms is a troll, I may not name it lardass.
****************No D&D style dragons unless your character is 12 or younger.
*****************Taking a Timelord form will not give you your own TARDIS.
******************Ys, if your Omnitrix has the DNA Repair Funtion, it'll prevent your Timelord Form from having it's DNA Rewritten if you're formed to Regenerate.
*******************Changing back to human does not reset your timelord forms Regenrations.
********************Okay, I'll buy Ultimate Timelords having infinite Regeneration Energy and short temporal jounts.
*********************You need one more flaw to ad the Evolutionary Function to your Omnitrix.
**********************I may not name my Timelord Form "Lardass".
***********************That doesn't even make sense.
************************I may desine U;timate Forms or Aliens, Ben 10 0r otherwise, that do not have them, but Such is subject to GM approval.
*************************Ultimate Troll is not the Tarrasque.
**************************I can not take one of Ben's ultimate forms as a regular Alien. Not even the ones that became real people.
***************************Ultimate Elves are not somehow more Androgenous than normal elves as their only change.

I Ended up with Acidwash(Juvenile Black Dragon), Warthide(Troll), Timelord(Self Explanatory), Lycanthrope(Renamed blitzwolfer), Aero Ace(Equestrian Pegasus), Shifter(uryuom), Tubaguts(Renamed The Worst), Humongusour, Fixit(Renamed Jury Rigg), Spiker(Argit's species). Five Ben 10 species, four strait from the watch, and 5 species from other works.

I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

[Milodiah]

*I am not allowed to coordinate the positioning of friendly troops if doing so entails hurling them bodily towards the fray.
**Cannot conceal the nature of my build by referring to it in highly technical terms, such as "Kinetic Tactical Redeployment Officer".
***In military parlance, the unit having "organic" artillery support means that it has artillery subunits built into its Table of Organization & Equipment, not that I am supposed to use organics as the artillery.
****No longer allowed to play characters with a Strength above 12.
*****No longer allowed to play characters with enough magic, intellect, mechanical aptitude, or other skills that would allow me to pull the above off regardless.

[GuesssWho]

* Not allowed to kill someone for pants.
** Please don't ever set your loincloth on fire again.

* The middle of a battle is a bad time to pass out drunk.
** When you wake up, DO NOT KEEP DRINKING.

* Please don't try to punch Pelor.

* If Pelor grants you a wish, you can't wish to appear in the Abyss for ten rounds to fight an evil god.
** If you do so, you cannot try to rip its wing off at 240 feet in the air.
*** If it throws you off, never EVER sink a spiked chain into its privates and hang there for the rest of the fight.

* You absolutely can't do any of these thing at only 11th or 12th level.

All of this was one epically stupid half-orc barbarian/bard. We decided after the game that he got his own statue, which was promptly buried for being obscene. This sparked Krug's desire to search out this statue of himself to do battle with it. (He destroys any mirrors or lakes he meets along the way.)

[Astral Avenger]

All of this was one epically stupid half-orc barbarian/bard. We decided after the game that he got his own statue, which was promptly buried for being obscene. This sparked Krug's desire to search out this statue of himself to do battle with it. (He destroys any mirrors or lakes he meets along the way.)

How does a barbarian go about destroying lakes? (also, which system are you using for this?)

[Ksheep]

* When I come across a corrupted piece of technology which kills anyone who gets too close to it, the proper response is to destroy it
** Lobbing this technology at my enemies telekinetically is NOT the right way to approach this problem
*** Strapping them to zombies and having them march into the middle of the enemy camp isn't acceptable either
**** No, I cannot weaponize these items just to say that I did

[GuesssWho]

How does a barbarian go about destroying lakes? (also, which system are you using for this?)

5e, although I'm pretty sure the DM was both toning things down for us and rolling several ones. And I have no clue how, since the campaign has ended, but he's stupid, lucky and stubborn enough to manage it if anyone is.

[Gnomes2169]

You are a scary, scary person. I approve.

Oh, since I forgot above... Can I sig this?

*Do not make, under any circumstances, a character named Dr. Dragons! (The exclamation mark is part of the name)
**Especially not if we are fighting a dragon cult.
***I am not allowed to have a suitcase full of dragons.
****Especially not evil dragons.
*****I may not use said suitcase full of evil dragons to solve every problem under the sun.
******Especially not problems involving evil dragons, specifically those involving work retreats or bring your son/ daughter to work days.
*******How would that even help?!?!

*The answer to PC's being too powerful is not "more dragons."
**It is ESPECIALLY not "a single mind flayer".
***No, we will not have a repeat of last Thursday night.
****Beholders are right out.
*****I am not allowed to test out homebrew monsters without giving my players fair warning.
******"Bring a lot of healing potions" is not fair warning.

[illyahr]

Oh, since I forgot above... Can I sig this?

By all means.

*The answer to PC's being too powerful is not "more dragons."
**It is ESPECIALLY not "a single mind flayer".
***No, we will not have a repeat of last Thursday night.
****Beholders are right out.
*****I am not allowed to test out homebrew monsters without giving my players fair warning.
******"Bring a lot of healing potions" is not fair warning.

How about Aboleths?

[Rater202]

*Just becuase I can turn into a timelord does not mean I'm mandated to bea timelord as often as posisble.
**The same applies to dragons
***I'm not to go "Ultimate" in every single fight.
****Seriously, normal Acidwash could have handled those mooks easily.

[Madfellow]

* I am now allowed to begin a sentence with, "Good news, everyone!"
** Especially not if I am a wizard.
*** Or a cleric.
**** Warlock is right out.

[Gnomes2169]

By all means.



How about Aboleths?

*I may no longer use Aboleths to punish successful characters.
**In fact, abberations are right out. Bad Gnomes. Bad.

[DigoDragon]

* I may not start the campaign In Media Res at the sight of a major Airbus airplane crash.
** When the confused PCs ask how they ended up on an airplane, my response is not to roll damage.
*** Not allowed to organize the dead passengers by flavor and texture.
**** When exploring the creepy abandoned science lab on the island, I will not disable the fire alarm.
***** I will not take the airplane's black boxes with me into the Faraday cage.
****** Nor will I follow any escaped lab animal that was stored in a cage labeled 'N.I.M.H.'
******* Just because I saw it in a video game, I will not stick my hand in the toilet to search for items.
******** Starting a fire in the bathroom when the fire alarm is disabled is a really bad idea.
********* Running over the first islander we meet with his own Suburban will no longer be 'Plan A'
********** Plan A is still not justified if I first drive the Suburban out of the garage.

[Erth16]

*If no one reacts to the inclusion of Dragonslayer Ornstein in the list of enemies they need to beat consisting of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass characters aside from him, I should probably take a break from GM'ing.
**Doubly so if they expected Artorias instead of Ornstein.
***Not to make the fight against the four knights of Gwyn, just to spite them.
****Aslan teamed up with the Cheshire cat is right out.
*No longer allowed to use illusions to fight hillbilly demons.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I can no longer be the face when we are buying a warehouse.
** Especially if I mention that we're in the PC business.
*** My pun licence has been confiscated.

* I may no longer play at being a private investigator, especially when we have one in the party.
** Especially when we're claiming to be investigating someone's place of work.
*** Your charm skill is what again?
**** Flubbing a charm roll should not give me a high enough result to convince him that we're newspaper reporters disguised as private investigators.

* I can no longer be scared of the rebellious hippy nun-in-training. Be frightened of stern full-fledged nun instead!

[Rater202]

When the party includes a has transformed into "Bruiser" forms, I'm not to assume my tiny "thinker" form just to be contrary.

[Invisifly2]

*Dropping a never-ending swarm of small vipers on the party until they roll NAT 1's on the saves is perfectly okay.
**Doing this in a Dead Magic Zone, where they cannot simply fireball the swarm or teleport away, however, is not.

[TeChameleon]

* I may no longer attempt to ride the inexplicable hovering ancient Dwarven heavy laser cannon by using its kickback as propulsion (well, the hovering is easy enough to explain- a wizard did it. The existence of the laser cannon, though, is a bit harder to get past. As is the fact that the laser has recoil )
** I may no longer attempt to use the inexplicable hovering ancient Dwarven heavy laser cannon as a lockpick.
*** If I am informed that the door is made of adamantite, so I can't break it, the proper response is not to try to steal the door.

* I may no longer realize that a single, largely-grabbed-at-random-for-no-reason magic item has crippled the DM's planned boss fight so badly that it ends up completely trapped and being plinked to death with magic missile over the course of ten minutes or so. Especially not when my character is unconscious at the time.

* I may no longer derail the dungeon's climactic giant boss fight by force-feeding it a hundred pounds of magic plastique mid-fight.
** If I insist on kasploding the climactic giant boss fight, I should take note of the fact that this is an elder gold dragon of Bahamut, tainted by the Far Realms and completely insane, who has been performing a demented version of Bahamut-worship in a region of both planar and temporal rifts, on top of an ancient altar of Orcus. Large explosions here are not a good idea.
*** I may no longer blind-roll a natural twenty on my arcana check to prevent the rest of the world going boom when the dragon does. The DM was a bit put out that he didn't get to do anything weird to us.
**** When the previous is pointed out, I may no longer say that I had actually been considering throwing the Eye of Vecna (well, an aspect of it, at least) into the Far Realms portal in the middle of all the other weirdness, just to see what would happen.

[Socksy]

* I'm not allowed to boost my characters' abilities during char gen using dodgy calculus.
** I'm not allowed to boost my characters' abilities at all using dodgy calculus.
*** That is not what "integrates well into society" means!

I just had a conversation with my GM along the lines of "If X is the number of power points my character has left over, and she integrates well due to high Bluff/Diplomacy... Does that mean she has (X^2)/2 + C power points?"
It got noped.
):

[goto124]

** I may no longer attempt to use the inexplicable hovering ancient Dwarven heavy laser cannon as a lockpick.
*** If I am informed that the door is made of adamantite, so I can't break it, the proper response is not to try to steal the door.

At this point, the walls are probably weaker than the door...

[Wookieetank]

At this point, the walls are probably weaker than the door...

*Not allowed to melt the walls to steal the door.
**If the entire dungeon ends up made out of adamantine to prevent me from stealing the door, not allowed to make it the party's new base of operations.

[PrincessCupcake]

If "make an omelet out of stolen dragon eggs" is the sanest plan the DM has heard all day, something has gone horribly wrong.

*if the choices before us are "go to the tavern and start a barfight" or "unleash black dragon hatchlings", we are forbidden from choosing anything other than "go to bed like normal human beings".

***if the party has just done something ten times worse than the tiamat-worshiping cult they got paid to bust up, and the DM is trying to introduce a Lawful Good Character right as this happens, something has gone hilariously right.

(This is not a hypothetical. This was last week's session of Tyranny of Dragons.)

[DigoDragon]

* Shag carpeting is no longer considered deep enough for a shark encounter.
** Not allowed to assume that dead scientists in an experimental lab are non-combatants.
*** No longer allowed to threaten the USMC with a weapon recovered from a box of Cheerios.
**** No longer allowed to fire any weapon recovered from a box of Cheerios.
***** While it is okay to swipe a radio off a Marine to eavesdrop on military channels, I am no longer allowed to skip the part about unclipping the radio first from the Marine's pants.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Shag carpeting is no longer considered deep enough for a shark encounter.
** Not allowed to assume that dead scientists in an experimental lab are non-combatants.
*** No longer allowed to threaten the USMC with a weapon recovered from a box of Cheerios.
**** No longer allowed to fire any weapon recovered from a box of Cheerios.
***** While it is okay to swipe a radio off a Marine to eavesdrop on military channels, I am no longer allowed to skip the part about unclipping the radio first from the Marine's pants.

****** May not start an argument on what pants are.
******* Or one about whether I am now carrying just the radio, that radio and the Marine's trousers, or the entire Marine.
******** I may no longer steal military personal.

[dramatic flare]

* Shag carpeting is no longer considered deep enough for a shark encounter.

** May not use a modified "growth'' spell to make deep enough.

[DigoDragon]

* I may no longer steal military personal.

I'm proud of my former group for actually accomplishing this. Mostly because they didn't expect they would catch one, they didn't plan on what to do when they caught one, and they didn't think it would get the attention of the rest of the Marines.

[unseenmage]

* No longer allowed to shape a Shapesand (Sa) cage around the Gelatinous Cube as it tries to chase us.
** It doesn't matter that the Cube is the one who insisted on grabbing my Shapesand chain and not letting go.
*** That Shapesand is shaped in 10 minute increments does not make this less ridiculous.

**** Why do I even have that much Shapesand formed into a chain on my character's person at all times anyway?

[TheTeaMustFlow]

*Yes Minister is not appropriate source material for Dresden Files. Therefore, though I may start as the Cabinet Secretary, this does not mean I actually rule Britain, and I am not to take that as a challenge.
** On second thoughts, I may not start as the Cabinet Secretary.
*** No matter how high my resources check, I control neither NATO, the EU, nor the Milk Marketing Board.
**** I will not introduce myself via bombardment from high orbit, unless I am playing Rogue Trader.
***** Nor will I nuke the Wild Hunt just to prove a point.
****** Nuking Maeve, however, is both acceptable and encouraged.