Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: I think I messed up.
Monk: All I have to be is faster than you.

[Jay R]

DM (to player 1): What’s your alignment?
Player 2: Chaotic Chaotic.
DM: Chaotic Annoying.
DM’s wife (from next room): “Hold my beer.”

[SunsetWaraxe]

"What is the gestation period for rabid, dire squirrels...?"

[Telok]

"We forgot to bring breaching charges."
"Its a haunted house."
"You're right. Napalm would have been good enough."

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid: "Tell your men to stand down, or your patron gets it" (back stroking with tail, arm around the patron's chest, two claws at his throat)
Pirate Captain: "If you all piss off then we'll stand down."
Swashbuckler: "Kill that damned wizard! Our witch just buggered off with Claudio." (Throws Daggers)
Rogue (to DM): "I'm going to start looking for treasure" (goes underwater).

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Barbarian: Why did those guys think I'd want to be on their side?

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Rogue: I'll pick the lock -
Monk: We are under water. If you open that any documents inside will be ruined when the water rushes in.
Rogue: I have proficiency!
Monk: You can do that when we get back to dry land.

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Barbarian: OK, that was 44 total points of damage.
DM: The Swashbuckler is bloodied, and is reconsidering his life choices ...

=================

Monk: Hey, lookie here! Two sets of books. We know what his hobby was: cooking!
Town Council Member: Do you think that any merchant in this town doesn't have two sets of books?

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DM: ... and with that final blow, the helmsman's skull cracks open like a split coconut. Brains spill out into the water ...
Berserker: Did you guys see what she just did?

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Town Council Member: What happened to him? He looks dead.
Monk: He drowned.
Town Council Member: *raises eyebrow* Really?
Sorcerer: Well, he might have died from sickening radiance ...
Druid: (mutters) Yeah, he might have
Barbarian: (helpfully) ... and from falling into the water when the shipped capsized ...
Town Council Member: *Nods*

====================
Update from last night:

Warlock: You stand athwart a pile of ashes
Bard: Hey, fancy talk is my thing!

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Update from Star Trek Game:

Captain: "What does a cosmic cockroach think about Coitus Interruptus being enforced by Star Fleet rejects? "

[Debatra]

"Passing out drunk and waking up with less money is normal. It is a little less normal to pass out drunk and wake up with more money."

"While you're deciding what to do with his pants, I'll be right back."

[DigoDragon]

"Passing out drunk and waking up with less money is normal. It is a little less normal to pass out drunk and wake up with more money."

I did this to a player once and they spent hours trying to figure it out. XD


Jennah: "What's the most haunted spot on this island?"
Beau: "Probably wherever the chick from Murder She Wrote is standing."

Beau: "How do the villagers feel about nonhumans?"
Sparks: "With their hands, right?"
Lily: *dope slaps Sparks*

Shu-Wing: "Your familiar doubles as an ascot?"

Sparks: "Your ascot is now a submersible."

GM: "The fisherman rolled a 10.
Sparks: "Ha! Not last place! …11."

Beau: "Do we want to leave the path for a few miles?"
Lily: "We have detoured for much stupider things."

Sparks: "We have a college dorm fridge worth of leftovers."

Jennah: "Help, call a cleric… but not for me!"

Beau: "Not knowing what it is hasn't stopped us before."

[KorvinStarmast]

“This one is lively for a dead one.”

[thorr-kan]

“This one is lively for a dead one.”

Ah, someone else saw that episode of Gordon Ramsey: Uncharted! (Rattlesnake. They chopped off the head, skinned it, and gutted it. It was still moving.)

"Can I rappel up the efreet?"

[HalfTangible]

"Wanna do something that would get us banned if we even mentioned it on an internet forum?"

[NRSASD]

"I don't know what mournful whips sound like."

"Okay, follow up idea: we soak our bedroll in the blood"

[Diachronos]

"You're almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people in the party. That's unfortunate."

"Dammit, Ian, the Geneva Convention isn't a checklist!"

[RustyArcana]

"We need Aquapope Blastoise!"

[NRSASD]

"Normally I'd agree with Holly, but I am honor bound to say that Samos's idea is a good one."

"You just need to accept the fact that your grandpa is a frog f****r and move on!"
"It could have been the tree who f****d that frog!"

[Telok]

Hard choices! I'm so happy!

[KorvinStarmast]

Ash: Is there room for me to drop a grenade?
GM: Yes, the lift is moving up slowly...
Ash: I drop a grenade on the thing with all of those heads.

======================

Karg: I have piloting skills. I'll fire up the shuttle and we'll fly off of this planet. **roll**: That went well....
GM: That failure causes you another point of stress.
Ash: It'll cause you to get fragged if you don't do that pilot **** and get us the freak outta here!

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Issa: I'm an android; do I have to stay in quarantine with the humans?
Karg: What, you don't want to participate in the two-week-long cribbage marathon?

[Xihirli]

From the pathfinder game

“Listen, I’m always down to bite an ankle, but I think there’s a few things we need to consider.” -Tilda

Etayne: The hags would know Vine.
GM: Well, it’s a literal vine.

Etayne: You’re dead! Get pranked bro
GM (as NPC): You weren’t looking! Your mom died!

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock to the burger meister: *light cantrip cast on a staff* Look, buddy, I am all about the light. Strahd? Not so much.

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Warlock: Are there nuns in the Abbey?
Bard: Probably Monks.
Paladin: Probably nuns and monks.
Barbarian: That's how babies get made.

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Bard: We want to see our friend.
Guard: Why?
Bard: Because she's our friend.
Guard: Convince me.
Bard: Seriously?

[DigoDragon]

Barbarian: "The mashed potatoes just called us out."

[RustyArcana]

Player: "That's it! I am going to MARIO the floor!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock:

Spoiler: possible context

Show

standing on the sands of an arena littered with foes

Are you not entertained?
NPC: Not really. How about you show us what that 20 Charisma looks like without any clothes on?

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Bard: Remember, the dwarf is flying, so he's up there, not down here with me.
DM: I didn't forget. That will be a DC 14 Dexterity save versus the Fireball.
Dwarf: *thud* Thanks for failing your concentration save, dude.

[DigoDragon]

Lily: "You stuck-up... scruffy looking nerf herder!"
Smuggler: "Hey, who's scruffy looking?"

Beau: "Wait, I rolled a nat-20?"
Sparks: "Selling your soul is finally paying off."

GM: "Slithis very quietly says out loud-"
Beau: "Hold up."

Sparks: "So Beau turned invisible and Jennah didn't see it?"

Joseph: "He's the party's designated ascot."

Lily: "How hurt are you?"
Sparks: "On a scale of 1 to 70, I feel like a 43."

GM: "Do you touch the door or the seam?"
Beau: "The door is not what it seems."
Sparks: "I cast Polymorph and make the door ajar."

Joseph: "That must have felt like French-kissing a light socket."
Beau: "No, that felt a bit different."

Sparks: "So this is what being a main character feels like."

Beau: "I cast Detect Nope."

Sparks: "I believe the scientific name for this is 'Icky'."

GM: "You don't know how the eyes in Tiamat's statue are glowing colors with your Darkvision."
Sparks: "Too bad. I'd love to copy this effect for our breakfast nook back home."

Lily: "Ehlonna, why?"
Ehlonna: "Because your companions are stupid."

[Xihirli]

Sophia's journeys continue!

(To the husband of an orc leader. For context, all of these orcs are were-people of different animals.)
Orc "What tribe do you hail from?"
Sophia: "Dragon's Take!"
His eyes widen for a second in fear.
Orc: "You're not a were-dragon, are you?"
Sophia: "No. Is name of town."
He's bored again.

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

Sophia: "When did it become nighttime?"
Sophia's Orc Friend: "It's not nighttime. Your eyes are swollen shut."

[NRSASD]

Chester: wait, how many hit points do you have?
Clamantha: 12.
Agnes: at 3rd level?!?
Chester: what are you, made of noodles?!?

DM: a hand falls on your shoulder from behind and begins to give you a back massage.
Chester: Oooo, that feels good!
DM: You turn and see it is a severed arm, the shoulder ending in a bloody mess of tendons and flesh ribbons.
Chester: Don’t worry, it’s consensual!

DM: You have heard of several such “domains of dread” before: Barovia, Imnescar, Mt. Tahir, Paris.

[NRSASD]

Lily: "How hurt are you?"
Sparks: "On a scale of 1 to 70, I feel like a 43."

——
We literally say that all the time in our group!

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: "Ooh, baby, oooh baby, give me more, more, more!" Actually, minor illusion
Guard 1: Hmm, sounds like two people humping
Guard 2: Wish I were...
Mastiff Woof
Guard 3: I don't think that's an actual woman's voice.
Rogue(Sotto voce): Not working. (Draws sword)
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[Jay R]

DM: You are not being fair to that toad. [Pause] Y'know, in 48 years of role-playing, I have never needed that sentence before.


DM: [later] I am not going to make you roll to kick the toad into the entangle field

[DigoDragon]

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

LOL, learning the swear words first is an age old tradition. XD

We literally say that all the time in our group!

It's a fun way to annoy our GM a bit. :3

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Sparks: "Rolling dice is easy."
Beau: "I can't roll higher than a-"
Sparks: "All I said was, Rolling dice is easy."

Jerimiah: "Dwarven Rule of Acquisition #2- shoot first, profit later."
Sparks: "How... no, that actually makes sense."

Sparks: "The metal is at least worth its weight in... uh, metal."
Lily: "And he's the smart one."

Jennah: "I'm half-blue. He's half-wit."

Beau: "Sparks and Jennah can use this as a Honeymoon suite."
Jeramiah: "The bed's too small."
Beau: "Right. Leaving Tiamat's fun cave."

Jeramiah: "How long have you been here?"
Skeleton: "Is Gangnam Style still a thing?"

[Jay R]

Sophia: "Wait, do I know damn it in orcish?"
"For sure, you got the swear words first."

I write up all our adventures, usually in character. In one game, when the PCs met, my PC described one of them as follows:

"And there is a healer who calls himself Prost. I’m guessing he doesn’t know what “prosdt” means in Goblin."

[Xihirli]

LOL, learning the swear words first is an age old tradition. XD

"

Orc swear words being popular in other cultures is in the player’s handbook, even.

Pathfinder game!
Etayne: When you’re here you’re divorced AND dehydrated.

GM

: we’re just going to make it gradually worse until you stop coming.

ETAYNE The ogre is still there, but now we have the spider MILF.
WILLOW: So all our problems are solved!
GM: I thinking someone just admitted they want to bang a spider.

ETAYNE: GM doesn’t get that reference because she hasn’t seen Shrek!
GM: I know *some* things about Shrek through cultural osmosis.

ETAYNE: 26.
GM: Thats the lowest anyone’s rolled all session.

GM: We can assume one of you fell on your ass in an amusing way at some point.

GM: You do know the name of the city.
Willow’s Player:…Willow does.

Etayne: Blood bending fox, I like it!
Tilda: Blood fox!

GM: The skulls inside remain dead.