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Thread: A joke thread
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2020-05-20, 01:17 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
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A joke thread
In these pressing times I think we need a joke thread to lighten the mood.
*scrubbed*
so I'll start this off:
3 middle-aged men are chatting about what they want to be said about them at their funeral. The first one says "he was a good man who always treated people well".
The second one says "he gave thousands of dollars to charity".
The last one says "at my funeral I want people to say 'Wait he's still moving!'".Last edited by flat_footed; 2020-05-24 at 02:46 PM.
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2020-05-20, 09:39 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
- Location
- California
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
I have a joke about UDP, but you might not get it!
I also have a joke about TCP. If you don't get it, I'll just repeat it!
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2020-05-21, 12:38 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2019
- Location
- Israel
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
In a tribe of cannibals, one man asks his friend: "What do you like the most in your wife"?
"Eyes", he replies. "Really? And I left you a leg".
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2020-05-21, 12:46 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night,
light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.Get your physics out of my D&D!
Proudly Chaotic
Optimism is delusion pessimism will save the world
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2020-05-21, 10:41 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
Re: A joke thread
It's a pretty nice idea to have a dedicated joke thread. Although, I'm gonna sit on some of my material. My posts in Random Banter sometimes get a little gloomy, so I feel like I need to drop a few jokes in there.
Cannibals, you gotta stay positive. Are you a cannibal or a can't-ibal?
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2020-05-22, 02:06 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2018
- Location
- Belgium
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to tell him that I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I don't say it's hot in my room, but two hobbits just came around and threw a ring in it.
*on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett
"Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
"I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."
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2020-05-22, 11:04 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- Hudson Valley, NY
- Gender
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2020-05-22, 11:32 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2019
- Location
- Israel
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
There are two paladins on patrol. So, they walk around and then suddenly notice a red dragon flying towards them. And the dragon is HUGE! So they stand and watch, and the monster is coming closer... and closer... and closer... And they watch, and he is closer... and closer... and closer... And then one of paladins says: "Hey man, let's just go".
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2020-05-22, 12:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2020
- Location
- a kobold warren
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
two scientists walk into bar.
"i'll have some h2o" says one.
"i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
the second one died.
see if you can get it.Last edited by Kobold_paladin?; 2020-05-22 at 12:51 PM.
lawful good isn't always lawful nice.
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2020-05-22, 01:33 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Last edited by el minster; 2020-05-22 at 03:14 PM.
Get your physics out of my D&D!
Proudly Chaotic
Optimism is delusion pessimism will save the world
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2020-05-22, 03:07 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
- Location
- California
- Gender
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2020-05-22, 03:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
A set of functions have a party. Almost everyone is having a good time - x2, sin(x), cos(x) even sec(x) are having fun mingling and dancing with each other. f(x) notices ex sitting alone in the corner, walks up, and says, "would you like help integrating with the rest of us?" ex replies "nah, it wouldn't change anything."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third order a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender is fed up at this point and yells out, "even I have got my limits!" and pours two beers.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do you all want a beer?" The first one responds "I'm not sure." The second says, "I'm not sure." The third one says, "yes."Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-05-22, 03:35 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2019
- Location
- Israel
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Depends if the cat is vector or scalar.
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2020-05-22, 05:02 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2006
- Location
- England. Ish.
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Warning: This posting may contain wit, wisdom, pathos, irony, satire, sarcasm and puns. And traces of nut.
"The main skill of a good ruler seems to be not preventing the conflagrations but rather keeping them contained enough they rate more as campfires." Rogar Demonblud
"Hold on just a d*** second. UK has spam callers that try to get you to buy conservatories?!? Even y'alls spammers are higher class than ours!" Peelee
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2020-05-23, 06:28 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2018
- Location
- Belgium
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
My doctor wrote the names of the pills I needed to take. I couldn't read one of them.
A pharmacist told me it said 'retinol'.
A week later I was talking to my doctor.
-great, but why did t you take retinol?
-you prescribed it. Here.
-Oh, I was just trying to get my pen working.Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett
"Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
"I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."
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2020-05-23, 08:24 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2020
- Location
- Nebraska
- Gender
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2020-05-23, 10:48 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2019
- Location
- Israel
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Not exactly a joke, rather my own idea. Don't how if others will like it.
So, there is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
So I wondered, why there is no saying "Intelligence is in the tentacles of an Illithid".
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2020-05-23, 11:10 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
- Location
- Tulips Cheese & Rock&Roll
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician stop at a hotel on their way to a scientific congress. They get a room each, and go to sleep. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out. The engineer is woken up by the sound of flickering flames, and sees the fire. He panicks for a few moments, but then he sees the water tap and the bucket in the corner of his room. So he runs over, fills the bucket, throws it on the fire and the flames go out. The engineer goes back to sleep. A few rooms down the physicist wakes up from the sound of the wooden wall panels starting to crumble. The physycist keeps a cool head though. She sees the bucket and the water tap, and springs into action. After carefully calculating the amount of water needed she puts the fire out with incredible precision, causing exactly zero water damage. And it only took her half an hour. So she goes back to sleep. At the end of the hall the mathematician wakes up from the smell of the bed starting to char. He sits up, looks at the fire, and turns to the corner, where he sees the tap and the bucket. "Ah," the mathematician exclaims, "there is a solution!" So he goes back to bed.
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench overlooking the front entrance of a building. They see one person enter the building, and a little later they see two people leave. "That was weird," says the physicist, "must have been some sort of measurement error." "I don't think so," says the biologist, "we must have witnessed some form of reproduction." The mathematician shakes their head and says: "You're both wrong, the obvious explanation is that there are now minus one people in the building."Last edited by Lvl 2 Expert; 2020-05-23 at 11:10 AM.
The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!
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2020-05-23, 12:06 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
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2020-05-23, 03:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
- Location
- Tulips Cheese & Rock&Roll
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!
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2020-05-23, 10:25 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
- Location
- Earth and/or not-Earth
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.
"No," says Heisenberg, "But I know where I am."
Erwin Schrodinger gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
"Did you know there's a dead cat in the back of your car?" asks the cop.
"I do now!" exclaims Schrodinger.I made a webcomic, featuring absurdity, terrible art, and alleged morals.
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2020-05-24, 12:27 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Last edited by Peelee; 2020-05-24 at 12:44 AM.
Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.
Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2
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2020-05-24, 03:19 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2018
- Location
- Belgium
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Meetings: an event where the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett
"Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
"I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."
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2020-05-24, 08:38 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
- Location
- Earth and/or not-Earth
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
I made a webcomic, featuring absurdity, terrible art, and alleged morals.
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2020-05-24, 12:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
A man jumps off a hundred floor building. Another man sticks his head out the window on the fiftieth floor and just manages to here him say as he passes by "So far, so good".
Get your physics out of my D&D!
Proudly Chaotic
Optimism is delusion pessimism will save the world
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2020-05-24, 02:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2019
- Location
- Aboard the Normandy SR-2
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
For free sketches: click here
Why do players who mostly play Wizards have a superiority complex? Who hurt you? Did the martial classes touch your no-no place?
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2020-05-24, 03:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Location
- Some rainly old island
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Many trans girl gamers have been limited in their ability to play AAA games by the abundance of...micro trans actions!
Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)
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2020-05-24, 07:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- Near Atlanta,GA USA
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
Cross linking* to jokes slight to great relation to the situation this thread is meant to also provide relief for.
*Meaning I am going to provide a reciprocal link.Last edited by DracoDei; 2020-05-24 at 07:12 PM.
[Public Service Announcement]P.E.A.C.H stands for Please Examine And Critique Honestly[/Public Service Announcement]
Currently Running: Equestria Begins (A High Tactics campaign)
Extended Signature
My Homebrew is meant to be used, but, if you do, PLEASE tell me how it goes.
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2020-05-25, 03:50 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2011
- Location
- material & internet plane
- Gender
Re: A joke thread
I'd tell you an original bread joke, but this one's Stollen.
I'd tell you a nerve damage joke. It's quite insensitive, though.
I'd tell you a Peter Pan joke, but I worry it'll never land.
I'd tell you a different Peter Pan joke instead. This one never gets old.
I'd tell you another "I'd tell you... but" joke about my horse, but I've already beaten it to death.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who expected 10 to be in decimal, those who expected a binary joke that ends here, those who expected a base-3 joke that ends here, those who expected a...
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2020-05-25, 04:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2008
Re: A joke thread
The son of a rich man had gone to a college overseas. After the first day at school, he wrote a letter back to his dad.
"Dear father. College is great. Everyone around me is friendly. Just one thing though, everyone else, teachers and students alike, comes to school by train. I feel embarrassed arriving in a chauffeur driven gold plated Ferrari. Love, your son."
The next day he received a reply, "Dear son. I have transferred $20 million to your bank account. Please stop embarrassing the family. Go and buy yourself a train as well."ESPRE Super Powers Roleplay Engine: An open game RPG about super powers.
Spoiler
Trissociate 3.5 Homebrew Base Class. Mix & match abilites & templates to make virtually any sort of character! Emerald Legion A Mind Flayer's guide to breeding Ikea Tarrasques The Blob Ikea Tarrasques Redux through Fusion+Astral Seed Spellblade Tennis Throw out nigh infinite spells per round Sleeping Raven Infinite Blood Frenzy Nigh infinite melee damage exploit