[Humor] Three (or more) things a player should know when they come to your table.

[Isamu Dyson]

1. Dwarves are Scottish. No exceptions.
2. Ignore the cats at your own peril.
3. Daggers are a necessary Material Component of the Diplomacy Skill.

[The Oni]

1. I'm mean to characters, not to players. Don't take it personally, we're all friends here
2. Doing your character's voice goes a long way towards Diplomacy checks
3. The password is always Swordfish

[scsimodem]

1. I like guns. My own custom settings all have flintlocks and you get brownie points for using them.
2. The more creatively you break the game, the more likely I am to let it stay broken, if just for one session.
3. Tents are your best protection against assassins (there is a story behind this).

[InQbait]

1. Wear a pancho. It could get wet.
2. A Will save can not protect you from Illusion magic. You need TRUE SIGHT!!!
3. If your character is holding a whip, you get a +2 bonus to Intimidate, Bluff, and Diplomacy checks. A +4 bonus instead if your character is proficient and cracks it. A +6 bonus instead if you bring an actual whip to the table.

[mistformsquirrl]

1. The gods are crazy, dead, or incredibly petty and childish for the most part, invoke them at your peril.

2. Goblins come in three (potentially overlapping) flavors - chaotic evil, oppressed minority, and musical.

3. I like kemonomimi. I don't expect anyone to play one, but the option tends to be open in my campaigns in one or more forms; and you'll likely meet them around the world. Note that just because I like them doesn't mean I treat them any differently than any other fantasy race; they exist across the alignment spectrum and you must exercise just as much caution around kemonomimi NPCs as any other. (Beware catgirl vampires.) <',..,'>

4. I tend to have oddly specific world designs - as such, expect a more limited race/class selection than might normally exist in a 'fantasy kitchen sink' setting. I know that can be irritating; but I find it does help with maintaining the integrity of the setting. Hopefully I'll make it up to you with an excellent adventure.

5. I'm not afraid of including firearms if they fit the campaign in some way; bring on your gunslingers; depending on the setting you may even get to wield Advanced Firearms.

6. If we're at a physical table together, I will bring bean dip and chips. Bean dip is freaking awesome. <^_^>

[GrayGriffin]

1. Do not piss off the support. EVER.
2. The Geodude line is the ultimate evil.
3. Everyone will get to be awesome in some way.

[THEChanger]

Rule #1: The DM always lies.

Corollary to Rule #1: Because the DM always lies, Rule #1 is a lie. Therefore, sometimes the DM tells the truth.

Rule #2: You may not kill another player's character. That right belongs to the DM.

Rule #3: The DM reserves the right to, at any time, cause a drunken wizard to stumble out of a nearby tavern and cast Silence upon your character, if he feels this is in the best interests of the party. This is true even in situations where a nearby tavern makes no logical sense whatsoever: e.g., in the middle of an enchanted forest, while locked in the BBEG's dungeons, or while at the court of a noble king.

Rule #4: If you can create a character which can kill a deity at level Ten, that is excellent for you. I ask that you leave it at home, so that I can actually challenge you.

Rule #5: I like to give characters awesome things specific to the character. If you complain that another player has something awesome which does not exist in the rules, I will take this as a statement that you do not want yours.

Rule #6: I accept bribes in the form of delicious food items, valuable military secrets, and of course puppies.

[Isamu Dyson]

Rule #6: I accept bribes in the form of delicious food items, valuable military secrets, and of course puppies.

You should reward a player that manages to pull off all three in a single conversation...or gift basket.

[Dorian Gray]

1: Optimization is encouraged. I love learning new combos to use against you.
2: Death happens, and is often permanent. That being said, you will always have time to say your last words.
3: I play my wizards like cocksure rogues and my rogues like paranoid wizards.
4: No matter what anyone says, bards and rogues are the most powerful classes in the game.
5: Except spell thieves.

[genderlich]

1. Male elves are always comic relief. Female elves are always extremely dangerous.

2. If you have a random idea for something to do and really insist on roleplaying it out fully, I will spend ten minutes improvising a ridiculous scene with you which will probably end up with a new recurring villain.

3. Do not ask me that NPC's name. Just don't. Please.

4. There exists a single Deck of Many Things in every campaign I run, somewhere at some point, off to the side or something acting innocuous. So far, nobody has tried to use it.

5. That crazy plan you thought of that you're not sure whether you really want to do it because there's a high probability of serious injury to everyone involved? Do it. I want you to. It will be amazing.

6. At some point in the campaign, there will be pirates. You will most likely be among them. Because pirates are great. (This one applies to my whole group, not just the games I run.)

7. If you roll a level 3 Wizard with a 6 Con on purpose, you will die in the second session and nobody will feel sorry for you. In fact, you only survived the first session because there was no combat.

8. No, I will not tell you why your character would be traveling with this group or be interested in this quest. That's your job.

9. If you initiate PVP, all implicit protections against unfair deaths from me go out the window.

10. I love gnomes. Expect them often, and when least expected.

11. Please don't point out the cliches in my plot, that's really just rude.

12. If you fail to keep track of how many charges are left on your powerful magic item, let's assume it's 0. Not wands, more like Necklaces of Fireballs.

13. Sometimes there will be fights you're supposed to be smart enough not to get into. If you get into them anyway, I'll try to come up with a way to not have a TPK... but, no guarantees.

14. If it seems like I'm picking on your character... I probably am, and it's probably hilarious for everyone.

[Zavoniki]

1. If your a cop, you have to tell them if your a cop.

[MonochromeTiger]

1. if you roll a ninja I will have to kill your character in some spectacularly painful way, it's not personal.

2. if a cat gets on the table and moves your dice the new result is the one we use, no arguments (not just my rule).

3. while it's not a rule just about everyone at the table will play evil, it's more natural to us, if you play good expect several sessions of being manipulated by people way more experienced than you for no other reason than because it amuses them.

4. all plans, no matter how stupid, will be accepted and taken seriously if put into action by a player. this includes: deck of many things strip poker, replacing every statue in a city with trained and loyal gargoyles, and attempting to choke a gold dragon to death by overfeeding it on goblins.

5. no, you may not name your badly statted wizard rincewind for an increase in run speed. your attempt is appreciated though and you will instead receive more starting gold.

[Isamu Dyson]

4. Even treasure fights back.
5. Not a fan of movement skills? That's okay. There will only be about a dozen insurmountable cliffs and raging rapids to cross.
6. Not all bad guys wear black. Some are quite fond of entrails.

[Velaryon]

1. There is always a kraken nearby. Even if you're not on or near the water. Especially if you're in a tavern.

2. Don't drink the Genie Juice. That stuff will mess you up, no matter how good your Fort save is.

3. Yes, the mountain goats breathe fire. No, you shouldn't think too hard about why.

[Gamgee]

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3HdfzC7Shg
2. You will die.
3. Have fun.

[Kid Jake]

1. You gain a circumstance bonus if you render me speechless.
2. I'm always inclined to take the more awesome interpretation of a rule.
3. No eye contact.
4. If you want to take prisoners, act like it. If you insist on setting every group of mooks you find on fire, don't expect to question them afterwards.

[Prince Raven]

1. Some problems can't be solved through combat, attempting to do so anyway sharply reduces your character's life expectancy.
2. Good roleplaying and creative problem-solving are highly encouraged.
3. Don't trust everything you hear from NPCs.

[starwoof]

1. If your roll falls off the table and you call Jumanji, it counts.

2. Reading the handouts I prepare will help you.

3. If your backstory is good, I will give you cool stuff.

[kailkay]

1. Slowing down the game to systematically search every nook and cranny in every room for extra treasure may be severely hazardous to your health.

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"I search the goblins' pockets."
"I search the barrels."
"I search the desk."
"I start prying up stone tiles."
"I feel every stone along the walls."
"I start opening goblins up and checking their stomach contents."
"I double check the goblins' pockets, now that their stomachs are open."
"I search under the barrels."
"I'm done prying up stone tiles; I start to dig into the earth underneath them now."

2. Slowing down the game to tell a tangent that is not at all related to the game we are currently playing may be severely hazardous to your health.

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"Oh, hey, Kev, did you see that video on Youtube I sent you today where the guy was skiing and he ran into a polar bear, and they both went careening down the hill and ended up ruining that girl's tea party? HA HA IT WAS HILARIOUS."

3. No matter what clever, amazing thing you do in combat, you will never match the level 1 dwarf barbarian's clever use of the enemy kobold as a flail.

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No, seriously. He got a lot of bonus XP for that one. You don't get a lot of bonus XP for making seven skill checks in this combat round to do some insane backflip parkour leap off that wall, landing on your hand and spin-kicking the goblin in stomach while singing O Canada backwards. Neat trick though, I suppose.

[BWR]

1. Bribe the GM with food (especially beer)
2. You will be thrown out for dissing certain things (Star Wars, Hellblazer, whatever I feel like at the moment)
3. If you don't like my house rules you are free to complain, and for some inexplicable reason they tend to multiply and mess you up even more. Whoda thunkit?

[Erik Vale]

1: Sh*t happens. A random mook can roll a 3/20-20 for max damage. I expect a WTF, but let me describe it, I let you describe your kills.

2: Yes, my sense of scale can be iffy. It's normally to your benefit, don't complain or you'll get to track rations, encumbrance, and I'll actually do random encounters...

3: I tend to like individual overpowering big bads, and lots of week little mooks. Deal with it.

4: Avoid the optimization arms race please. Though cool sh*t is acceptable on a few occasions.

5: Not all random encounters I make up are level appropriate. The random hermit may well be a insane level one commoner, or he could be a high level wizard. Care to test?

6: I respect well roleplayed underpowered builds, don't feel you need to follow the arms race.

7: WBL is for me to break over my knee for you, not for you to break over your knee for yourself. Keep that in mind.

[AuraTwilight]

1. You can play anything. No, seriously.

2. Expect weirdness. Curses on princesses will be broken by man-on-man kissing because she's a yaoi shipper, etc.

3. For the love of all that is holy do not give the GM ideas.

[Sith_Happens]

I've never DMed, but most of the games I play in are at my table, so it counts.

Previous group:

1. Your character need not participate in either, but there will be both a rock concert and an orgy involved in every tavern or inn visit that the party makes.

2. Do not overthink any setting or plot detail, lest you come face to face with the Animated Twinkie of Smiting.

3. Ridiculous ideas are encouraged, especially if they make the DM cringe.

4. The campaign setting is not to scale. Any attempts to guess, estimate, or calculate the distance and/or travel time between any points A and B based on the distance and/or travel time of any other pair of points will be incorrect.

5. Do not question the Ranger's logic, for he has none.

6. The likelihood of a given player actually being able to attend the next session is inversely proportional to how sensible and responsible their character is. If the latter value is not abysmally low, then the former value is also inversely proportional to how much the upcoming scenario demands some measure of sense and responsibility.

Current group, general:

1. At least half the group will be playing a deliberately silly character concept. If you are not one of them, at least try to play along.

2. The campaign will start in a fashion completely irrelevant to your character's personality, background, motivation, and previous physical location. This will be blatantly handwaved. In-character confusion is welcome, but out-of-character you will be expected to just roll with it.

3. Expect silliness in all other areas as well.

Current group, campaign #1:

1. In any location or scenario where social interaction is feasible, at least one hour of real-time will be consumed by a variety of humorous derailments and general shenanigans.

2. If your character is male and an elf, or male and of sufficient physique, expect to be hit on by the Beguiler, though she's quick to throw in the towel if she's not getting anywhere.

3. If your character is male and has a pulse, expect to be propositioned by Cleric. Repeatedly. And regardless of the severity of previous rejections.

4. Humans in this setting are hyper-pacifists as their hat. The DM rarely remembers this fact.

Current group, campaign #2:

1. Yes, the DM is pulling pretty much the entire campaign from her rear. No, she's not trying to hide it.

2. No magic item is to be trusted until properly identified.

3. Do not eat anything offered to you by an NPC. Especially not the donuts.

[Azreal]

1.) I have a small obsession with Dragons, but for your sanity they tend to be in human form unless you are hunting one. (BEWARE THE WIZARDS)

2.) I accept bribery in the form of money and food.

3.) I expect you to at least try to not be chaotic evil. Violators cannot complain when burning down a village causes a party of heroes to hunt them down.

[Volos]

1) There is always a Drunk God, even if we aren't playing Pathfinder
2) Ignore number 1, as we are ALWAYS playing Pathfinder
3) Character sheets are flammable and your GM is easily angered by OOC nonsense. You have been warned.
4) Acting in character will always result in a bonus to your check
5) Having a turn like "I swing sword" will result in a huge penalty if not an automatic fail.
6) Anything can be a Half-Dragon. Anything. Yes, even THAT.
7) The BBEG doesn't follow the rules, literally. He may be a full caster in full plate, or a Demi-God who took levels in a class that gives him everything, or worse yet may take two to three turns an initiative round. Deal with it.

[The_Werebear]

1. Always make sure to identify if you are speaking in or out of character. Nothing like telling the person you're going to backstab that you're going to backstab them because they deserve to be backstabbed.

2. There are no wrong uses for another 50 ft. of rope.

3. No taunting the DM when you wreck his boss encounter with a lucky crit. Thats when he spontaneously multiclasses Frenzied berserker and goes into deathless frenzy

[CarpeGuitarrem]

1. There may be turnips. (Yes, there's a story.)
2. Open season on authority figures! (Yes, there's a story.)
3. Death is too good for your character.

[Spore]

1. Children are always good.
2. See that plot armor? It's not youuuurs.
3. No seriously, if you thought about killing children (or dragon hatchlings), I will come for you.

[Asahel24601]

1. If you quote monty python, you must eat your character sheet. No exceptions. Not even for the GM.

2. The story is dark and can be assumed to have no true evil. Unless the PCs are the evil. Deal with it.

3. Everyone will try to rob you if you're rich. I cannot promise that the party is not part of this.

4. (For any fantasy setting) Assassination and Politics are interchangeable if you're nobility.

5. I will be either kind or fiendish. It depends on how much you break rule 1 or waste time on money or showing off.

5b. This can change during a session.

6. Death is death. Quit complaining and re-roll.

[GPuzzle]

1. Expect lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of reference, especially to things almost all of us don't know.
2. We play a mix of general shenanigans, action scenes and in-character roleplay. Expect some CharOp-ing as well.
3. Refluff can, and will be needed for just about anything we do.