Relationship Woes and Advice 24: In which the heroine gets the hero, or vice versa.

[Serpentine]

speaking of the websites that are not free, no, I can assure you I am not. I've been sitting next to a couple of girls, looking over their shoulders as they went through the content of their mailbox.

These girls wouldn't happen to be of the "drop-dead gorgeous and/or openly sexually available" variety, would they?

Erh, doesn't 'standard' go kind of against 'personalized' here? I usually start out with something like 'greetings and salutations' followed by a personal message involving stuff they mentioned in their profile that strikes me as interesting. Hell, I even get replies about 20% of the time, judging from a count of my 'sent' and 'received'.

I guess I could spent a bit more focus on the very first line of each message, since that's the first thing the recipient will see. I still don't think there's much more to be done in that area, though.

Maybe not so much "standard", but "representative".
That sounds alright, though. My main concern would probably be something like comments on their appearance - I suspect that's not something a lot of guys would think of as being a negative.

[Form]

These girls wouldn't happen to be of the "drop-dead gorgeous and/or openly sexually available" variety, would they?
Maybe not so much "standard", but "representative".

No to the last at least. Most of the time I don't think the former applies either, really.

That sounds alright, though. My main concern would probably be something like comments on their appearance - I suspect that's not something a lot of guys would think of as being a negative.

I think I've done that once or twice, but that's about it. For the rest, the vast majority of messages, I only commented on interests mentioned in the profile.

[dehro]

These girls wouldn't happen to be of the "drop-dead gorgeous and/or openly sexually available" variety, would they?

they dated me..so of course they were drop-dead gorgeous you wouldn't catch me dead saying anything less about them in public... as for the sexually available bit.. I'm a gentleman and my lips are sealed

[Coidzor]

The step wasn't from there, it was from "More innocuous things manage to get used to file people as Other/Non-Persons on a daily basis, after all," which is a comparison that I don't find at all fair, since it demonizes someone who, yes, hurt me, but not so badly that I am okay with demonizing her.

I definitely could have phrased that better semantically, since demonization is an extra step to my understanding. I'm sorry. From my perspective, she labeled you as a non-entity from a romantic standpoint for such a little, innocuous thing as having a common interest or common educational requirement, which is interesting in and of itself since usually common interests are thought of as a plus. Returning the favor of making her a non-entity on the romantic axis of life for holding such an apparently pear-shaped view is more erecting a shell between you, but I'm an odd duck anyway.

This. Quoted for general truth. I'm not sure what her exact reasons are, but once I can (temporarily) quell my desire to change her mind (I'm trying to be respectful) I'm planning on finding out her reasons (she has also agreed to this).

I've already expended all of my capital with you, but no one else has said it, and it bears saying. This is incredibly iffy territory, so I hope you realize that and are taking the necessary precautions. That said, good luck.

This is a strange, literal discussion. Whenever someone applies a lame or arbitrary rule as a reason not to accept a date, it's usually just a half-truth. The real reason is "I don't want to date you, ever" or sometimes "I like you, but not enough to try to overcome this roadblock". So they round their excuse up to truth, either because they want to soften or sharpen their rejection, or they don't want to tell the real reason, or they don't really know the reason themselves (very common - we afterrationalize emotional decisions all the time).
It's a good rule of thumb for lame rejections.

And sometimes it's a full truth, because that person has experiences that inform their decision. People tend to be more wary when they've experienced the worst case scenario up close.

In either case, for otherwise stable people, there's no crazy going on.

Now, if she is in other areas "wrong, ridiculous, silly, and ludicrously narrow-mindedly stubborn", feel free to disqualify her. But based on this, it seems like a severe overreaction

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More a mix of literal and figurative, or I had thought, anyway. The important thing is, yes, Horse Puckey is Horse Puckey and at the end of the day it's nothing really to do with the horse puckey per se so much as a lack of interest, and the thing to do is brush off and move on. I find "damn, that lame rejection was such a poor example of lame rejection that I'm glad I dodged the bullet of being anywhere near someone that ________," to be of potential use, though not in the immediate future, more the intermediate future if one is forced into some approximation of proximity.

Yes, but for the purposes of those giving counsel to the rejected person and the rejected person's purposes, there's no reason to care about that as far as I can see and my knowledge base extends, just to extricate the rejected person as quickly as possible but without further eye contact or sudden movements lest the rejecting party try to maul them or involve active social censure with or without the flinging of baseless accusations and the like. Then, of course, maintaining distance if the rejected party must continue to encounter the rejector or be within their social orbit. At least if they're taking the conventional tact of moving on rather than attempting to delve deeper.

We could differentiate between crazy, crazy, and mentally ill, but I was feeling like a little hyperbole and have always encountered this sort of situation as one where a bit of hyperbole can be helpful, though when on the timescale it is helpful depends upon the individual. Granted, I botched the delivery so the intent of putting the thought out there so Jallorn could have that ruminate in their subconscious has been foiled and it's all just been discarded out of hand.

I'm reasonably certain that the end result is that we want people who are rejected in this way to typically react by reciprocating their disqualification by disqualifying the other party in turn, moving them out of the category of potential romantic partner, and moving on, instead of keeping the person who rejected them in the mental category of potential partner. As long as that is accomplished without more than the expected parameters of internal slander and horse puckey with close associates, social confrontation, violence, or any other bad stuff, I'm not seeing where overreaction enters into it unless it becomes a seed of bitterness and obsession rather than a sense of relief from having "dodged that bullet."

Granted, that's become a less relevant point to the specific situation, since Jallorn seems to be pressing on in some way.

Agreed with Glassmouse: She could have had issues dating someone in her class before, breaking up and then having very awkward interactions in their class.

It happens.

I guess I just don't see why that actually matters since the issue of dating is closed by the act of rejection, and, generally speaking, attempting to open it up would just result in the person making the attempt being labeled as the worst kind of dudebro or some similar sentiment.

[rogueboy]

Is another profile review in order?

If you're willing, mind taking a look at mine too? www.okcupid.com/profile/soccer_dan I think it's been pretty thoroughly overhauled since it was last critiqued here, since I've changed plans and moved across the country in the meantime. As to messages: typically go with a greeting of some sort, comment and/or ask a question about something on their profile that intrigued me (I've skipped messaging someone who I liked if nothing specific on their profile caught my attention enough to make that the focus/start of my message to them). Length, I've varied a lot. Some that are just a sentence or 2, others that are 2-3 paragraphs, others in between. Not enough replies to decide what length has the best results for me. I try to remember to throw my name at the end.

My main concern would probably be something like comments on their appearance - I suspect that's not something a lot of guys would think of as being a negative.

Oddly enough, my best success on OKC has come by explicitly commenting on her looks. Then again, she had called out her breasts as what people notice first, and I was playing off of that, so that's probably an exception.

[Coidzor]

That sounds alright, though. My main concern would probably be something like comments on their appearance - I suspect that's not something a lot of guys would think of as being a negative.

So no bringing up prominent, unexplained tattoos, eh? I knew I was doing something wrong all this time.

[Sajiri]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

[LaZodiac]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

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Leave him. He deserves everything he gets. Stop hurting yourself.

[Sholos]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

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Leave him. He deserves everything he gets. Stop hurting yourself.

This. Absolutely this.

[dehro]

stuff.

it's called football

[dehro]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

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to be blunt, yours has all the hallmarks of an emotionally abusive relationship that is just waiting for a trigger to turn into a physically abusive one.
don't wait for that to happen.
there is only one correct course of action, and that is to leave him.
if he does get deported, it's his own fault for being a moron... and deported is still better than in jail for having beaten you up... which could very well happen.
and please, don't waste time telling us "he's not like that, he would never do that"... you may be right..or not, but that doesn't alter the seriousness of your current situation and the seriousness of his actions towards you.
my mother was in a similar situation to yours, with her second partner. the best thing she did in her life, even though it meant moving from a grand mansion into a crummy place and living a life of hardships, was to take my brother and sisters and run before it was too late.

what happens if you get pregnant before those 6 months are up and then still split up? your child will have a father in another country..a father who by everything you tell us, is a ****.
don't do that to him and to yourself.
(and staying together for the sake of your child would be even worse).
I'm not talking of children out of the blue.. he sounds like the kind of guy who would use a child to keep his control over you.
he is poisoning your life and your self confidence to a point that may take you years to get over it and find a healthier relationship, and no, I don't believe you're here to vent.
you're here because you already know what you should do but lack, today, the resolve to do so, and you're asking for other people to agree that you're doing the right thing.
yes, you're doing the right thing... leave him.

he is not in love with you. he simply thrives on the control he has over you and mistakes that for love. be assured that he only has that control because you let him.

[Taffimai]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

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The summary here is: you are very unhappy with the current situation, he's clearly very frustrated, so something needs to change.

I agree with the previous posters that you should leave. Don't think of it as irrevocably sending him out of the country, think of it as a much-needed break for yourself. Your self esteem at this point is constantly under attack, and your emotions must be all over the place. Ideally, I'd love for you to go to a place where you can have psychological support and where he can't influence you, neither by harassing you because he's angry nor by trying to sweet-talk you into coming home. Give yourself some space to be yourself again and think things through. You say you have six months, use them.

[Glass Mouse]

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More a mix of literal and figurative, or I had thought, anyway. The important thing is, yes, Horse Puckey is Horse Puckey and at the end of the day it's nothing really to do with the horse puckey per se so much as a lack of interest, and the thing to do is brush off and move on. I find "damn, that lame rejection was such a poor example of lame rejection that I'm glad I dodged the bullet of being anywhere near someone that ________," to be of potential use, though not in the immediate future, more the intermediate future if one is forced into some approximation of proximity.

Yes, but for the purposes of those giving counsel to the rejected person and the rejected person's purposes, there's no reason to care about that as far as I can see and my knowledge base extends, just to extricate the rejected person as quickly as possible but without further eye contact or sudden movements lest the rejecting party try to maul them or involve active social censure with or without the flinging of baseless accusations and the like. Then, of course, maintaining distance if the rejected party must continue to encounter the rejector or be within their social orbit. At least if they're taking the conventional tact of moving on rather than attempting to delve deeper.

We could differentiate between crazy, crazy, and mentally ill, but I was feeling like a little hyperbole and have always encountered this sort of situation as one where a bit of hyperbole can be helpful, though when on the timescale it is helpful depends upon the individual. Granted, I botched the delivery so the intent of putting the thought out there so Jallorn could have that ruminate in their subconscious has been foiled and it's all just been discarded out of hand.

I'm reasonably certain that the end result is that we want people who are rejected in this way to typically react by reciprocating their disqualification by disqualifying the other party in turn, moving them out of the category of potential romantic partner, and moving on, instead of keeping the person who rejected them in the mental category of potential partner. As long as that is accomplished without more than the expected parameters of internal slander and horse puckey with close associates, social confrontation, violence, or any other bad stuff, I'm not seeing where overreaction enters into it unless it becomes a seed of bitterness and obsession rather than a sense of relief from having "dodged that bullet."

Granted, that's become a less relevant point to the specific situation, since Jallorn seems to be pressing on in some way.

We definitely agree on the most important part - a rejection is a rejection, and mutual disqualification is a good tool in the healing process.

I guess I just don't see why that actually matters since the issue of dating is closed by the act of rejection, and, generally speaking, attempting to open it up would just result in the person making the attempt being labeled as the worst kind of dudebro or some similar sentiment.

In theory, it doesn't matter. But in reality, people seek explanations for things, especially those they want to avoid in the future.

Sometimes you get lucky, and the person will explain themselves. But in most cases, you wisely drop the topic and then cobble together a pseudoexplanation in your head. And frankly, some explanations are better for you than others. Finding a calm, empathetic explanation ("oh well, she just doesn't feel it") lets you shrug it off, while an angry explanation ("Wow, what a bitch!") only breeds further anger and bitterness in future interactions*.
Your actions should be the same regardless (respect rejection, lick your wounds, move on), but your mental models matter.

Of course people have different thresholds for anger, and different ways of using emotional language (I suspect you wrote much less anger in your posts than I read), but the basics hold true.

*I'm assuming a baseline level of decency on all sides here. People actually being cruel is another story, which doesn't seem relevant here.

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

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Pardon me, but...

RUN!

This guy is an abuser, and he always has been. The thing you wrote, "I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well" is the part of your brain that he hasn't yet poisoned, telling you the truth.

Please leave him. He doesn't deserve you, your kindness, your support, visa help or love. He does deserve repeated kicks to sensible pieces of anatomy, but nothing else.

I know his abuse and manipulations are shadowing what love looks like for you, but I promise you, 'if you really love me' is a good benchmark. He does not love you. He may think he does, but his actions show otherwise. No one deserves what he puts you through. Hell, people wouldn't accept it from a friend or even a coworker, so why the HELL does he think he can get away with treating a LOVED ONE like this?!

I apologize for the Caps Locks, but this guy? He's a terrible person, and you're worth so, so SO much more.

He was always an abuser. He just hid it well. That's what they do. That's what they always do. They hide it until you're emotionally entangled; then they hide it again for brief periods of time to keep you hooked. But they are abusers, and they do not change.

If you haven't already, start consuming resources about emotional abuse so you can recognize what is happening. You don't have to act on it right away, but knowledge is power:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...otional-abuse/
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/a...onal_abuse.htm
...or just Google.

Good luck, and please take care of yourself.

[theangelJean]

I think I kind of just need to vent a bit, I'm very unhappy right now.

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I said a while back things were going better with my husband but really they aren't, I think I just live in denial too much. Everytime things start to go better, he just starts taking out all his anger on me. Such as right now, he's standing outside my door screaming at me, calling me an ass, telling me I'm always wrong and brought this on myself, he's always right, I caused chaos and he has to tell our friends I'm freaking out 'over nothing.' What did I do? I simply suggested to him maybe he needs to wait for a game he was trying to log into to register he's fully logged out since he was getting an error. That was all, and that's enough to set him off, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, telling me if I don't know what Im talking about to just stay quiet. The only thing I did with other people was quietly leaving because I didn't want to play that game anymore, but he's very quick to jump in and pin it all on me to make him look to be the victim to everyone else.

This is pretty typical of every time he freaks out on me, I'll say or do something completely normal or innocent, and it sends him into a rage. He used to treat me well, but now he won't listen to any kind of reason. If he makes his mind up that I was doing something purely to spite him (which is the first thing he always assumes), nothing will change his mind until I'm crying and apologizing, and even then he wont stop until he's done berating me. I truly regret marrying him, but its to the point now that even though I know it's wrong, anytime something happens I think to myself 'whats the point in standing up for myself? Whats the point in trying to get away?'.

He thinks, and outright says, he's always right, and not just about me. He is just a terrible person in general, selfish, rude, arrogant, paranoid and spiteful, and I keep hoping he'll go back to how he used to be, but Im starting to think he just hid his true nature well. Where he used to encourage and compliment me, he now mocks and insults me any chance he gets. I want to love him still, I want to put all this behind us, but I think too much has happened that I can't even feel any attraction toward him now. While I cook meals for him, buy him random gifts, foot our bills for going out together, he spends his money on porn, expensive meals for himself, and spends all his time chatting to other people online. I've caught him out in the past having been cybering with multiple people, including several mutual 'friends', and when I've told him it made me feel low about myself that he had thousands of photos of naked women saved on his pc, instead of apologising or encouraging me, he got angry and told me he'll 'look at whatever he wants'. Of course, if I even so much as glance at another man for any reason, like if I think it's someone I recognise, or a guy comes to chat to me, he flips out and gets over possessive.

There was a time a few months ago when the worst he did was, knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression, told me to go ahead and kill myself after spending several hours following me around the house, literally cornering me and screaming in my face about what a terrible person I am..I won't say here what happened after that but take a guess. He never apologised for that, he simply made excuses that he was just saying it and I took it the wrong way, though I don't know how else I was meant to take it. Thats the point I keep remembering anytime something goes wrong. Part of me always says that you should never use 'if you really love me' as any kind of excuse, but then the other part can't help but think how can someone say that to the person they're supposed to be in love with?

I don't want to be with him anymore, but I still want to somehow make it work. Because of his visa though, if we seperate before another 6 months is up, he will get deported, and as unhappy as I am, I don't want that to happen to him, even though I don't think I can take this much longer. I really don't know what to do ;_;

Adding to the above, I'd love to be able to give you some practical advice on how to get yourself out of this situation, but I have no experience. Instead, here are some links relevant to our country: (Open spoilers when you are in a safe place, please!)

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Note: These resources are mostly labelled "Domestic Violence" but all of the same things do apply to emotional abuse, not just physical violence, and the definition of Domestic Violence used by these organisations includes verbal, psychological, social and emotional abuse. Just reading your story, it looks like you are experiencing at least some of these.

24-hour Phone numbers, listed by state, for practical advice

Practical steps to take (with Australian links)

List of options tailored to many different situations (Links to similar sites for non-NSW residents)

Keeping your technology use confidential

[Serpentine]

And don't forget, in addition to your real-world friends and family there may well be people here who can offer some help.

[Sajiri]

At the risk of sounding as though I'm complaining or making excuses, I'll add this.

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I got it across to him last night that I am unhappy and don't want to be with him. I have told him this before but he just assumes I'm only saying it as a heat of the moment thing, I didn't back down this time and told him exactly how I felt and what I think of him. I said if nothing else, the one thing I would want him to stop is to stop assuming the worst of me- like when I tell him I feel one way (tired, sick, whatever) for him to not just doubt me and say I'm really just angry or such. He said he would accept that and work on everything else, but Im so far past believing that just because he said he will, he actually will.

I'll start looking into my options on what I can do, and in the meantime..well I don't know. Just keep my distance? I feel like that might just desolve into me going again 'I'll give him one more chance' over and over. I will try not.

I have the problem that whenever I think of if I should leave him, I wonder whats the point and where do I go then? My family weren't particularly the best people, in fact they were abusive towards me too- not only was there the same attack on my self esteem, but there was also the way they would treat me with depriving me of food and water for 1-2 days at a time regularly, pushing me out the door and locking it behind me because they wanted time alone, refusing to get me medical help for injuries and such that I still have problems with now years later. I think I happen to fall into these abusive relationships because it's all I know, and I'm used to being in a situation where I was taught to pretty much just shut up and accept it. I don't have many friends anymore, the majority of them moved across country or just fell out of contact thanks to me not being able to go out and see people more than maybe once a year.

I feel very uncomfortable typing any of this, or getting help from anyone, because again, even though it's something I know I'm wrong about, it's just ingrained in me not to talk about these things because it just bothers everyone else, I'm supposed to just smile and say 'I'm fine, how are you' and otherwise not talk to anyone about anything.

[The Rose Dragon]

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I feel very uncomfortable typing any of this, or getting help from anyone, because again, even though it's something I know I'm wrong about, it's just ingrained in me not to talk about these things because it just bothers everyone else, I'm supposed to just smile and say 'I'm fine, how are you' and otherwise not talk to anyone about anything.

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Well, that's the thing, ain't it? This line of thinking usually does more damage to someone in need of help than whatever they actually need help about. Whether it is out of fear or pride or whatever, a lot of people have an aversion to actually requesting assistance, or even complaining about their problems.

But, good news. If you can do it here, you can do it with people who can actually help you more properly. One thing I will strongly suggest is seeing a psychologist. The kind of behavior you describe is a fairly common pattern in victims of abuse, and simply recognizing it won't help you break it (it is devilishly easy to recognize, after all). Besides your current marriage, which sounds generally unhealthy, you should take care to avoid similar problems in the future, and the best way to do so is seeing a psychologist who specializes in such cases. I'm afraid I can't help you with your current problems, but ignoring the long-term in favor of the immediate problems is also a common pattern, because things won't change unless you change something. I recommend calling the numbers linked to above.

[Arcanist]

*snip*

The sheer fact that you told him you want out should be enough. Keep drilling it home. Tell him to remove you from your phone, tell him to forget about you, tell him to gtfo and most importantly: Tell him to keep his distance.

I will tell you this right now that nobody is thinking you're doing anything wrong. You are, if anything, doing something amazing. You are saying that enough is enough.

[dehro]

telling him to keep his distance might be a bit difficult if they're married and live together.. but yeah.. you definitely need to break the pattern of your life and relationships.. and the first step to do that is to put an end to an unhealthy relationship. it's a shame you don't have a support system in place (a family to fall back on)... and I can't really point you towards anyone or any organisation, what with being on entirely the wrong continent for that, but I'm sure there are institutions, charities, helplines and other people who make it their business to help people in your situation break the pattern and deal with the pieces. seek them out asap. ask for help and don't stop asking until someone gives it to you.

[AtlanteanTroll]

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I just need to blow off some steam.

This LDS thing is hard. And like, I'm not even that far away. It's just the transition. My GF and I have gone from living a 10 minute walk/3 minute car ride away from one another and seeing each other everyday to being over an hour away and seeing each other twice in the last month. We were maybe going to go home this weekend and hang out, but ... We've been miscommunication a lot this week. This has been my first actual week of classes and I'm really stressing out and I guess I've been taking it out on her. It feels to me that she's been kind of passive aggressive about me wanting to stay at my college for the weekend. I don't know.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but ... Geez. I don't know. I know I have a girlfriend and that I ... have ... strong feelings for her. (I don't like talking about emotions/saying the "l-word" about people unless I have to.) But I see all of these new friends of mine just "scoring" and hooking up all over the place and my school is very into "free love" and they just seem to be happy. I'm personally a very monogamous person, but I feel like if I just had someone closer I'd be happier. I love seeing my GF, but it's just so irregular. I've had a friend just ask, "Hey, who wants to make out?" and I think "Yeah, I would, but I'm with someone, so I can't" and it just feels bad.

GF suggested maybe we could be open, but I'm very against it. She's bi and said were we to be open she'd only sleep with girls, which is nice, but were we to "open" I couldn't sleep with girls and I really have no interest in men. So yeah. Maybe I'm just sexually frustrated. I don't know. It's upsetting.

[Holocron Coder]

So, I'm having one of my routine panics. I'm currently in the mix of... three? two situations. One is just a situation between friends, but the first two are me-and-girl directly. I think. Maybe?

SITUATION 1: (insert ominous DUN here)

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The actors:
Me, 27, getting to be more social
J, a friend of mine, male, social, knows tons of people. Dating L, who isn't involved.
R, 20, female geek

This one is relatively straightforward. J was hosting a big get-together at a local bar/club (sadly now closed ). This was the second one in roughly 2 months. Showed up with some friends and had an alright time at first. Towards the end of the evening, I'm outside with other friends with J shows up with R in tow. R got ditched by her friends and showed up alone because J had invited her. He intro's her around and largely bounces off. Taking the opportunity, I talk to R and we hit it off pretty well, since she's in the same major I'm working on my Master's for, with similar interests.

Fast-forward a week or so. I contact R via FB to see if she'd like to get lunch sometime, casual. Slightly misinterpreting, she explains that she just got out of a long-term relationship and isn't up for dating because she doesn't want to deal with the commitment of it. I brush it off and mention that I was just asking about lunch, not really a date. She's too busy to meet for lunch even casually and we continue on, no harm done.

Over months, we chat now and again, have good conversation, etc. Mostly online, since we're both rather busy.

Last weekend, DRAGONCON (cue fanfare and cheers) happens. She's able to squeeze in some time at the convention. While I'm at a Jim Butcher panel just starting, J texts me and says he's at the con with R and another guy, wondering what I'm up to. I mention the panel and the topic, and he says that R knows the author and is heading over. I reply that I don't have R's number to direct her to the panel (since getting there is confusing) and he says, quote "Don't worry, man. I got your back. I gave her your number". The wording is odd, to me.

She catches up and we hang out for the panel, but she has to leave the con shortly thereafter.

Catch up with J later and he asks what I think of R, since, para-quote, "she was really enthusiastic about where you when we got here". I bring up the quasi-shut-down I first received months ago before I developed any interest and he reaffirms her enthusiasm and says that he doesn't think that "the door on that is shut". I'm skeptical, but I go with it, especially since J is rather drunk. However, the next day, while sober, he confirms that he meant what he said.

Yesterday I asked R if she wanted to see Riddick at some point, since it comes out tomorrow (Friday, so, today, now). She mentioned her busy-as-hell schedule but said she isn't against the idea, once she has a free evening. I accepted that and told her to let me know.

Er, I guess the question with this is: is she interested? I'm bad at cues and such from girls, but there might not be enough to go on as it is.

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SITUATION 2: (DUN DUN!)

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Actors:
Me, same as before.
K, a taken female friend of mine.
J, different from before, K's boyfriend
S, a friend of K, J, and me (because putting "I" here would be confusing). dating some *******
H, a random new person. 32, female
M, my sister

So, for those that read SITUATION 1, we all know I was at DRAGONCON (fanfare!) this past weekend. While down in the dealer's room with K and J (ha, MIB), H walked up to us randomly and asked if we wanted to play a board game, cause she was looking for a group. We had just walked down, so we weren't sure yet, but K said H should join us regardless. She agreed and we ended up playing some games. At some point, M came to join us.

I'm a bit fuzzy on the order of things, but over the next few days, these things happened, roughly in order:
1: We played a bunch of games all evening and tried to go to the burlesque show, but were too late. Hung out upstairs.
2: J, from the previous situation, showed up and we played variations of Werewolf.
3: Met up with H in the dealer's room while M was with me. Met a few of H's friends, but they disappeared. M had to leave to go home. H and I hung out and eventually met up with S, J, and K. Had a fun evening involved going to Hooters and hanging out at the hotel room. Given it was basically the last day of Con, I walked H back to her hotel room, where her friends were staying.

A couple things that H mentioned while hanging out.
1: She's single, widowed, husband passed about 2 years ago
2: She's a low-stress girlfriend (seemed random to bring this up, unless?...)
3: She has brought bfs to strip clubs before, because fun (o_o)
4: Was very casual about her own body, with off-comments about removing clothing because of heat, lol, etc, etc.

Most of those probably mean nothing, but some people I talked to seemed to think they were significant.

Also, I live in ATL, H lives in Tennessee.

K and S seem confident that H is into me, or at least favorable towards me. H is cute, fun, all good things. So, I suppose I have an interest.

Tried texting her a few times over the week since con, but have only gotten a few responses. However, she called me on Wednesday and we chatted a while. Yesterday, I texted twice, got a response, and called once, no answer, no return call.

I'm somewhat terrified that I've screwed it up.

So, er, halp, wat do.

EDIT: Also, H has double-shifts all weekend, but today off, so that's awkward. Message again immediately or wait for half-a-week to contact?

SITUATION 3: (DUN DUN DUUUUN!) Removed

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REDACTED

Also, for 1 and 2, I'm currently taking the approach of silence for a day or two to see what comes up (and so that I'm not pestering ).

[sktarq]

...My family weren't particularly the best people, in fact they were abusive towards me too- not only was there the same attack on my self esteem,...I don't have many friends anymore, the majority of them moved across country or just fell out of contact thanks to me not being able to go out and see people more than maybe once a year.

I feel very uncomfortable typing any of this, or getting help from anyone, because again, even though it's something I know I'm wrong about, it's just ingrained in me not to talk about these things because it just bothers everyone else, I'm supposed to just smile and say 'I'm fine, how are you' and otherwise not talk to anyone about anything.[/SPOILER]

Two things.
One: You knew when you wrote these messages to us what are reaction would be. That's fine - It's okay to vent and it's perfectly natural to want to hear that's it is okay to leave him from an outside source when your confidence in your own decision making has been attacked maimed and abused for years. But here is the thing you have already asked for help and it has produced a response of support and caring. Call that a test run-I'd think a successful one. Now onto point two

Two: There are people and places that help in type of situation. Some volunteer some professional. It doesn't bother them. Like many people finding out it happens to people who they like and care about who didn't talk about bothers them more than hearing about it. Not all of them are live in shelters-lots are support groups and legal advice. Many are also people who will help you reconnect to life outside that which he controls. Good friends can be surprisingly open to somebody coming out of their shell and trying to reengage, but you won't know unless you try.

finally you need to leave him. we can see that. But more importantly you know that. Support is out there-and on here. Just by putting it out on the web in a semi-anon forum posting you are taking that first step to trying to put your life together. Now just keep going.

G'luck and PM if you need to chat

[Philemonite]

Well, I haven't been posting in this thread in months, and I need some advice. I promise to return the favor.

Here's the situation

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There is this guy (when it's about me there is always a guy) I have been dating for last month and a half. He's nice guy, and I thought there could be something more there, but I don't anymore. The problem is that things have been happening way too fast, and he was never in a relationship. The fact that he has severe abandonment issues doesn't help. (His mother left him when he was born.) The fact that he told me that is enough to know he is too attached to me. I really, really don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to lead him on. Help?

[Glass Mouse]

Here's the situation

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There is this guy (when it's about me there is always a guy) I have been dating for last month and a half. He's nice guy, and I thought there could be something more there, but I don't anymore. The problem is that things have been happening way too fast, and he was never in a relationship. The fact that he has severe abandonment issues doesn't help. (His mother left him when he was born.) The fact that he told me that is enough to know he is too attached to me. I really, really don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to lead him on. Help?

Tell him the truth. You can't avoid hurting him - there is no hurt-free breakup - but you can minimize the hurt by not lying to him.

Tell him what you just told us. He's a nice* guy, you like him enough that you thought there might be more, but there isn't. Offer friendship if applicable. Don't get sucked into long explanations and "what if"s; they only muddle things and allow him to engage in wishful thinking. Keep things simple, and stick to your own emotions.

It's not your job to fix him or to help him heal. That's the job of family and friends and (if his issues are bad enough) a therapist. All you can do is to be honest and decent.

Good luck.


*Might want to personalize that bit.

[rs2excelsior]

Tell him the truth. You can't avoid hurting him - there is no hurt-free breakup - but you can minimize the hurt by not lying to him.

Ditto. From being on the wrong end of such a situation (though with someone of the opposite gender), I can say it's a lot better in the long run to just get it over with.

[Holocron Coder]

Tell him the truth. You can't avoid hurting him - there is no hurt-free breakup - but you can minimize the hurt by not lying to him.

Tell him what you just told us. He's a nice* guy, you like him enough that you thought there might be more, but there isn't. Offer friendship if applicable. Don't get sucked into long explanations and "what if"s; they only muddle things and allow him to engage in wishful thinking. Keep things simple, and stick to your own emotions.

It's not your job to fix him or to help him heal. That's the job of family and friends and (if his issues are bad enough) a therapist. All you can do is to be honest and decent.

Good luck.

All I can say is +1 to this. Is good advice and its the best you can do in the situation.

[Pyromancer999]

So, I recently got my very first girlfriend. And so far at least, it's amazing. She's not everything I've ever dreamed of, but pretty darn close.

Since I want to make sure to go about everything as well as I can, what advice would people give to a complete newbie at relationships?

[Jallorn]

So, I recently got my very first girlfriend. And so far at least, it's amazing. She's not everything I've ever dreamed of, but pretty darn close.

Since I want to make sure to go about everything as well as I can, what advice would people give to a complete newbie at relationships?

Don't get too excited, take an inventory a little over a month in, and see how you feel. New relationship excitement runs out around there.

Also: be cognizant of the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I didn't when I was involved in my first relationship, and it got really awkward.

[theangelJean]

So, I recently got my very first girlfriend. And so far at least, it's amazing. She's not everything I've ever dreamed of, but pretty darn close.

Since I want to make sure to go about everything as well as I can, what advice would people give to a complete newbie at relationships?

Glad you're happy! My main advice is to take some time to talk about ... well, everything. That is, I don't mean in the sense of "we need to talk through everything we're doing" relationship-wise, although that can help you to meet each other's expectations if you're after a committed long-term relationship. What I really mean that this is your chance to talk about anything and everything - so you can really get a sense of each other's headspace.

And listen, of course.

[Philemonite]

Thank you all for your advice. There was some (a lot) drama, but it's better this way. I just hope my headache goes away soon.

So, I recently got my very first girlfriend. And so far at least, it's amazing. She's not everything I've ever dreamed of, but pretty darn close.

Since I want to make sure to go about everything as well as I can, what advice would people give to a complete newbie at relationships?

First relationship, I remember it still.

I'm repeating what the others said but here's my advice:

Don't rush. It's very important to let the relationship evolve naturally. And don't compare your relationship to someone else's thinking things should move faster for you. On the other hand if things are moving faster and you are OK with it that's normal too. The most important is that the both of you are enjoying yourselves.

Communication. Saying I love you on a first date is very bad. Saying I like you is good. Saying I like your eyes(or something else), they are very pretty is even better.
She doesn't have to know what you had for breakfast or where you are every second, but be honest with her and keep the communication active.

Respect. This one goes without saying.

Trust. I had a relationship fall apart just because she didn't trust me(my only girlfriend, before I realized I'm gay). I wasn't even acting suspicious and she wasn't jealous, she just didn't trust me. Nothing can ruin the relationship faster.